Coach’s Corner

Some think the NBA season began on November 6. This is nonsense. The
season, in
fact,commenced on March 19, TDMR (The Day Mike Returned).
Jordan’s
return flipped the Eastern Conference, like a D-Con’d palmetto bug,
right on
its twitching back. It turned the Bulls, 13-4 since his return, from an
average
and, what’s worse, an exceptionally boring team, a team whose chances
of
advancing one crummy round into the playoffs were way less than
bad,
into every other team’s “I’m-never-gonna-wake-up” nightmare. It added
(what an
understatement!) excitement into the dullest time of a too-long season.
It’s an
electronic wet dream for the networks. Ratings are way up. For myself – a Bulls fan – TDMR added a jib to my jibe, put a smile
on my
face, and added some exquisite ecstasy to the life of a sportsfan whose
tank
needed replenishment For the first time in 730 days, my darkened TV
room – with
a bigger and better set – reverberates with the guttural howls of a
twisted but
happy sportsfan, sending my cowardly curs scurrying in abject horror to
the
relative safety of their cages, as a suddenly much-quicker Tony Kukoc
jams
another one home.

The East: Orlando (57-25) vs. Boston (35-47). Magic
has, on
paper anyway, the best team in the East. They can beat you inside with
Shaq or
outside with Hardaway. Ho Grant has been the steady vet Orlando hoped
he’d be.
A stunning 38-2 home record is tops in league. Still, there are doubts.
Magic,
the only top team unable to win on the road. Well, that’s the whole
point of
getting home court advantage, isn’t it? You don’t have to win on the
road.
They’ve struggled lately. Depth is very questionable as games
against
top competition pile up. Despite O’Neal’s obvious greatness, he can’t
make a
free throw. Celtics are lucky to back into the final Eastern spot.
Something
about Celtic rookie Eric Montross pisses the Shaq off. He’s been kicked
out of
two games with Boston for fighting the big white kid. Magic lost three
of four
at Boston. It’ll be closer than it should. Magic in five.

New York (55-27) vs. Cleveland (43-39). If you follow this
space
regularly, you know my feelings on New York. I’ll give ’em this,
they’re a
tough, nasty bunch of scum. I thought this year the wheels, held
together by
nothing but pride, fear, and simple orneriness, would pop off. Here’s a
scoop:
I was mistaken. Cleveland’s a team with loads of nothing. Coach
Fratello
overcame a lack of talent by frustrating other teams to death. They
hold the
ball for 23.999 seconds before shooting. The result: Cavs’ last in
league in
scoring and first in defense. Unfortunately for the Cadavers, this is
how the
New Yawners like to play. Look for some scores in the 60s in an ugly,
ugly
matchup. Knicks have experienced a tumultuous, angst-filled year. They
look –
please, God! – like a house ready to collapse. A noted and fierce
pessimist in
most areas, I look for an early and shocking Knicks departure, maybe
right
here. Cleveland in four.

Indiana (52-30) vs. Atlanta (42-40). Pacers suffer from
Jordan’s return
most of all. For this one- or two-year period – as Orlando pays the
dues it
must – Indiana had the best team in the East. Young, tough, and
talented.
Sorry, guys. Atlanta, a weird, flukey best in East last year, has
fallen way
off. Indiana in three.

Chicago (47-35) vs. Charlotte (50-32). Chicago, with Jordan,
defies all
NBA conventions. Can’t win without a point guard? Three championship
rings
prove otherwise. Pippen, Jordan, Arm-strong, and even Ku-koc play this
position
with a playground “Let me take it this time” abandon. Can’t win without
rebounding? Houston proved that wrong last year. Bulls in the title
years were
not a good rebounding team, but adequate. Most overlooked point of
Jordan’s
return is a quantum defense improvement. With Pippen league leader in
steals,
and M.J. pressuring the ball, Chicago will cause lots of
problems. My
column-long orgasm with Michael over, I’m lying here, sated but
uncomfortable.
Chronically nervous about commitment, I cast about frantically for
the
flaw. How can I gracefully pose this question? “It’s probably just
my
imagination honey, but, uh, you look slower going to the hoop than you
did two
years ago. Guess I’ll be going now. Work, ya know.” Call me biased; I
am.
Chicago’s the best team in the East since TDMR. Oh, yeah – they have to
play
Charlotte first. Bulls in 4.

A couple of years ago I had a girlfriend. We began seeing each other
just as
the playoffs began. It created great internal conflict. We (I) didn’t
talk
about it, clearly an ominous harbinger of troubled times to come. A
lasting
image is me, alone, parked on the highest bluff I could find looking
out over
Davis Mountain State Park. The sky is clear, good for romantic
star-gazing, but
even better for radio reception: I am my father’s son. I’m
delicately
tuning the radio – by now I’d given up any pretense – trying to pick up
a
broadcast, from anywhere, of the Bulls/ Knicks conference final. My new
pal was
thinking, god knows what, in the campsite far below. For a sportsfan,
the NBA
playoffs are as good as it gets.

Next week: the West….