Notes at 9,120 feet:
The air’s pretty thin up here. It got me thinking, how clearly is hard to
say….
Tennis: An unmistakable, disturbing feeling, festering since the U.S.
Open, is now apparent for all to see. Sadly, very sadly, Monica Seles, whom I
remember as the most exciting, powerful force in woman’s tennis only a few
years ago, is gone, never to be seen again. Monica, at 22, should be in her
athletic prime. But she’s slower, heavier, and, most distressing for a player
whose signature trademark was “I’m gonna knock the snot off every ball and
pummel you into birdshit,” Monica’s become timid. Her confidence is gone, shot
to hell, left on an obscure German tennis court, in a dreary Gothic city,
thanks to a lunatic “fan” and a six-inch knife. This is a bad thing for
tennis…
If Andre Agassi doesn’t want to play anymore, as a year of indifferent tennis
indicates, I wish he’d stop and concentrate on his soda-pop commercials…
Great champions like McEnroe, Connors, and even the impeccable Borg, winners of
10 Wimbledon titles between them, would be blown off the grass courts by
today’s players.
This isn’t because today’s players are better. They’re not. It’s the
ridiculous, high-tech racquets, which have turned the world’s most prestigious
tennis tournament into a fucking joke. You have to be a linebacker to play
men’s tennis today. Pete Sampras — not your average 3.5 player — repeatedly
had the racquet ripped from his hands by technology-aided, 130-mph serves. To
his credit, he generates his power with an old Wilson Pro Staff, a racquet out
of production for years.
Even on the recreational level, things are totally out of hand. If you need to
buy a new racquet these days, you’ll soon have no choice but to buy these
extra-long — for more power, of course — monstrosities. The makers of tennis
equipment obviously think power, power, power is what players want. I don’t
want one of these pieces of shit. I don’t want more artificial power. I just
want to play tennis.
This upgrading of racquet power, which began when Jimmy Connors burst onto the
tennis scene with that awful steel, Wilson T-2000 every tennis player on earth
owned, was okay — to a point. But sportsfans, enough is enough. These things
need to be regulated. It’s not a revolutionary idea. Footballs are regulated
for size and air pressure. Basketball goals can’t be lowered because you have a
small team. The curve in a hockey stick is regulated because people were
shooting the puck too fast.
Maybe it will take an unlikely source, television, to bring an end to the
technology-crazy “improvements.” Watching tall chaps in clean white shorts
practice their supersonic serves does not make for scintillating viewing.
Football: So, the Miami Dolphins have cavalierly announced
they’re going to charge fans $20 per head to watch practice. Shocking? Nah. The
only surprise to me, in this, the greediest of all sports, is the Cowboys
didn’t think of it first.
Basketball: Do you think you could run a pro basketball team? Let’s
pretend we’re the big banana for the Houston Rockets. Let’s think out this
trade that may bring Charles Barkley to our club. Charles is not a free agent,
so we have to give up something. Personally, I propose we swap Sam Mack for Sir
Charles, straight up. Well, that probably won’t fly. Charles is a Big Name.
Teams want players, good players, good young players. Specifically, they
want Sam Cassell, a pugnacious little guy who looks like he’ll be around for a
long time. They also covet Robert Horry. Despite Horry’s underachieving ways,
any GM in the league would hate to give up on a guy with the obvious ability of
Horry. Me too. Our luck, next year he blossoms into a star. But, that’s the
deal: Take it or leave it. We need a guy like Charles. A line up of the Dream,
Barkley, and Drexler has its charms. Barkley will take offensive pressure from
Hakeem, he’ll rebound (something in short supply around here), and he brings a
blue-collar, bust-his-ass attitude every minute he’s on the floor.
Are we good enough to win another title — the only thing that matters —
with the same team? Barkley’s the type of player who can put us back on top
again. But he’s 34, slowing down, and has become injury-prone. It’s a risky,
one-year shot, that’s for sure — the kind of chance Chicago took with Rodman.
Then there’s this Gary Payton deal. He’s a free agent and fans want him here.
That surely makes up for losing Cassell and Horry but how many superstars can
we pay? There’s that silly thing about the salary cap. Sowhatthefuck!?? Do
we stand pat and risk the wrath of the media and our fans for doing nothing?
Mortgage our future and hope Barkley has one big year left, praying, while
we’re at it, nothing bad happens to Hakeem? Figure out some way to make room
for Payton? It is a nasty little conundrum, for sure. Wait a minute, here it
is! Forget all this complicated stuff. Let’s get Juwon Howard, release some of
our CBA stiffs, and keep our future. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
This job’s not so tough. n
This article appears in July 12 • 1996 and July 12 • 1996 (Cover).