by Andy “Coach” Cotton
Last week I created a grisly airplane mishap, scattering 49er and Cowboy body
parts all over Missouri, just to manufacture an excuse to discuss any other
teams as possible NFC champions. Such is the shallowness of the vaunted
National Football Conference. No such journalistic trickery is needed to
discuss the AFC, which features many contenders but no champion.
Don’t fault Miami for not trying. Owner and Blockbuster
Entertainment maven Wayne Huizenga spent $13 million on flashy free agents.
This is supposed to be the way to do it these days in the who’s-on-first NFL;
problem is, it doesn’t always work. Those names sound good, but will
they play good? On paper, the Fish improved every aspect of the team,
particularly at wide receiver, causing therapist bills to mount among AFC
defensive coordinators, already basket cases from years of dealing with #13,
the implacable Dan Marino – he’s a quarterback, girls. As always, with no
running game, the offense displays an unhealthy co-dependence on Danny Boy.
And, as always, the defense, though improved, is the soft underbelly. The Fins
are the real thing… maybe. The recurring nightmare of the conference, the
Buffalo Bills, still feature the basic nucleus which lost four Super
Bowls. It’s old but still a nucleus, which is more than the Detroit Lions have.
Bills slipped to 7-9 last season. They’ll improve on that and may make the
playoffs; that’s about it. Or Kelly will stay healthy, defense will come
back from the dead, then who knows? Two years ago, the New England
Patriots were a textbook case on how not to run a professional
sports franchise. They finished the season 5-11, exceeding expectations. Then
they hired Bill Parcells. Don’t let anyone tell you professional athletes won’t
respond to good coaching. Last year, they were 10-6. This year, many predict a
January date in Tempe. Parcells, who exudes a tough-guy NFC demeanor, became an
AFC kitten, letting his fledgling young QB/god throw the ball a record-breaking
691 times. If Phil Simms even thought of throwing the ball 600 times in
New York, Parcells would have gnawed off his eyelids. Parcells, however, is a
realist. The Pats’ simply can’t run the ball, finishing a docile second-to-last
in the league. My feeling is, the Pats’ are a year away but that’s what we said
about Dallas three years ago.
Over in the Central, two teams from the birthplace of pro football have
talk radio pundits agog. Jeff Ward, at KVET, seems to have the Ohio thing down
cold. Cleveland, he posits, can’t lose because they’re “unbeatable at
home in December,” some nonsense about cold winds and stuff, though he does
allow for the possible inefficiencies of QB Vinny Testaverde.
Pittsburgh’s okay, but he has a real thing about Steeler signal caller
Neil O’Donnell. He hates him. The facts, Ward, are these: Mike Ditka used to
crow every September about “Bear weather,” as in “we’ll see how tough those
girls are come December.” Thing was, every December the girls would come to
dreaded, cold Soldier Field and de-snot the big, tough Bears. Ward forgets that
two years ago he and his UT golf buddies could have gone up to Cleveland and
beaten the Browns – everybody else did. As far as O’Donnell goes, the facts say
the O-man is not so bad. He threw the fewest interceptions in the league last
year. This is supposed to be good. In his last three playoff games, he threw
six TD’s and zero INT’s. This is good, too. The Steelers, in pointed contrast
to their AFC brethren, can run the ball, also good. They play excellent
defense, a fine thing. Both teams get to play six games against Houston,
Cincinnati, and Jacksonville: very good. Did Pittsburgh shoot its
wad last year? Can Pepper Johnson and Carl Banks really still be playing in the
middle of Cleveland’s defense? In the AFC, this is considered a strength.
Questions, questions… it’s what makes the AFC fun.
Like Lucy, Desi, Fred, and Ethel, our transcontinental journey through
professional football finally ends at the terminus of the American Dream: the
Golden State. Many experts think returning to Oakland will, somehow, make the
Raiders better, as if Sonny Barger and his Hell’s Angels will stop the
Bronco bus on the Bay Bridge and wrench whip John Elway within an inch
of his life. More importantly, Oakland has finally shit-canned its
only-good-pass-is-a-50-yard-pass philosophy. Hostetler’s a good QB, the
receivers are first-rate, and the defense has some talent. Raiders are also
blessed with an easy out-of-conference schedule, so maybe and maybe not. Last
year’s AFC champs, San Diego, won so many games due to good luck, I
predict an 8-8 year on general principle. John Elway, at 35, is not too
old to win a Super Bowl but he won’t see 36 if the Bronco offensive line
doesn’t do a better job of protecting him; 46 sacks hurts! Denver was as active
as Miami in the off-season, so with lots of luck…??
There you have it: Miami, Oakland, Denver, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, San Diego,
Buffalo, New England. Each could end up playing for a title, any could be 7-9;
Ambivalence and contradiction, the plot line of my life. It’s both the beauty
and the ugly blemish of the AFC; lots of good teams, none great. I go with
Miami. n
This article appears in September 8 • 1995 and September 8 • 1995 (Cover).