by Andy “Coach” Cotton
Dinner
last night was a family favorite — Frito Pie — not a dish you’ll find in the Good Health
cookbook; hamburger, a can of tomato soup, Wolf Brand Chili, Cheez Whiz, a
package of Fritos. As a concession to the times, “lite” sour cream topped it.
Because the sodium content of this dish is uncountable, diners are shortly
overwhelmed with thirst. Desperate for something cold and wet, I sat down to
watch Sportscenter, a melting half-gallon of Dreyer’s Chocolate Chip Ice
Cream in my lap.
I have a friend (unidentified for reasons that will soon become quite
apparent) with several compulsive habits. One is flossing. Don’t misunderstand
me; flossing’s a good thing. Every year, the dental technician reaffirms this
as she serrates my not-flossed-enough gums. But my friend, well, the friend
flosses a lot. So anyway, I’m dying of thirst, all comfy in my boxers, ready
for scarfing. Upon opening the lid I observe something odd, frosty on top of my
desert. Upon further poking and prodding, I dig up a long, coiled, well-used —
yes indeed sportsfans! — string of floss. Surprise!!
Sports surprises of ’96: College football: St. Louis is the smallest big city in the country, a stuffy,
conservative town where the inhabitants with bellicose pomposity believe their
restaurants, zoos, parks, museums, winters, springs, schools, and sports teams
are the fairest, meanest, or most sophisticated in the land. The word
“provincial” was invented for St. Louis. Naturally, I digress. It’s not my
intent to knock St. Louis, a town I’d prefer to many (their Italian food is
excellent), but as a roundabout vehicle to make a point. When it comes to
college sports, Austin is second to none in the battle for a completely
unjustified superiority complex.
The surprise of the year takes place right here in Central Texas. It’s not
about UT but the burg of College Station. The Aggies — a perennial Top 20
fixture, have lost two games at home since 1990. The bullies of the dead
SWC would tote the flag, showing them midwestern plowboys what a Texas team
could do. Sure, UT’s been a disappointment, but what else is new? The
graph-line of UT football for the past 20 years has been, at best, two steps
forward, two steps back. But no one foresaw the mind-boggling, stomach churning
collapse of the maroon-clad farmers. Their 3-5 record, with horrifying losses
to BYU and Southwest Louisiana, including three losses at home is
nothing short of stunning, like Clinton losing to Dole, ending a year later
with a clearly drug-ravaged Bill, asleep beneath a bridge. This grim season
could be salvaged with a win, here in Austin, on Thanksgiving morning. Whaddaya
wanna bet that’s just what they’ll do? The three service academies have a
combined record of 17-3. Army,
7-0 for the first time in 46 years; Navy
5-1, playing Notre Dame in Dublin next week (what I wouldn’t give to go to that
game); and Air Force (5-2). And then there’s Columbia, owner of the longest
losing streak in college football (44 games) leading the Ivy League, at 6-0.
NBA: The Orlando Magic, with the superstar core of Hardaway, O’Neal, and Grant
in place, were, once-upon-a-year-ago, viewed as the league’s
dynasty-in-waiting. Last season, though winning 60 games, they began showing
signs of internal conflagration. Why couldn’t that nucleus, on level with the
Jordan-Pippin-Grant core of the pre-champion Bulls, fulfill their dynasty?
Overrated? The ugly soft underbelly of free-agency? Would a young Jordan have
left Chicago in frustration after repeated beatings at the hands of the Pistons
if he possessed the means to do so? I don’t know. O’Neal did, destroying the
“dynasty” before it was ever crowned, ushering in the era of the rent-a-team.
Maybe “surprise” is the wrong word. Perhaps, “it was only a matter of time,”
is a better way to put it. 1996 gave us our first over-hyped animal. I speak of
Cigar. Cigar’s a horse. Media hysteria about this beast even caught my
attention. I tuned in to watch this Babe Ruth of horses run twice. He lost both
times. Imagine what Nike could’ve done with Cigar. Too bad horses don’t
buy their own shoes and saddles.
Pro Football: John Elway looks like he’s 23. Washington Redskins 7-1? The
Steelers, despite a rash of defections and injuries keep on winning and looking
good doing it. The last time I saw Ty Detmer was on a Monday night against
Dallas. Anything done for or against Dallas is, to me, highly personal. If a
player helps beat Dallas, he’s a friend. If they stink, I take it as a personal
affront. Detmer looked, that night, like a frightened high-school QB.
Venomously, I mentioned that here. In the last two weeks, Detmer’s passed for
more than 500 yards and 5 TDs. Next week’s opponent? The Dallas Cowboys. My
man!
Baseball: Not only did the Yankees win four straight, beating three great
starting pitchers in the process, but Yankee fans didn’t destroy the field or
the city in the post-game “celebration.” You can look at this two ways. Either
New Yorkers were satisfied with the superb on-field performance or so much
passion has been drained from the game that the first Yankee title since ’78
wasn’t even worth turning a few cars over. Your choice. n
Write me: Coach36@aol.com
This article appears in November 1 • 1996 and November 1 • 1996 (Cover).