Guys with sports columns are often asked for predictions. Civilian sports fans assume because Randy Galloway (or whoever) has his own radio/TV show or writes for a newspaper, that person must possess an extraordinary degree of expertise — never considering that the “expert” is an egotistical windbag or the writer’s just trying to fill up space. Even I — residing pretty damn close to the bottom of the sports-expert food chain — am often asked for an opinion … which I always have … whether I know anything about the question or not. The truth is, any garden-variety sports fan will be right as often as most “experts.” Our prognostication skills are no more accurate than if you blindly pointed your cat’s paw at the current betting line and went with what Muffy pawed.
How quickly I digress. So anyway, when I did my first prediction column, I quickly set the record straight regarding my opinions, many of which have not changed (regardless of the facts) since ? and the Mysterians were stars. Any readers who might be insane enough to look at what I “think” and then wager the house on the strength of my opinions were strongly warned. In point of fact, a wise gambler would have done quite well picking against every team I’ve ever touted.
Showing that I have a healthy sense of humor, let’s look back only one week. The Rangers, I believed, seemed poised to finally overcome their annual dose of Yankee arsenic. In all my years of watching baseball, I’ve never seen 27 innings pass with nothing — absolutely nothing! — going right for a team. The Rangers didn’t play that badly. Every ball they hit hard, every one, went right into the glove of a sprinting, diving, or just standing there Yankee. Game-winning pitching was squandered. Fine defensive plays went for naught. The Rangers really are a good team, but went break-less for the series. So much for one expert opinion.
But for real laughs, you can’t beat my NFL forecast. After five weeks, well, “shambles” only underscores the limitations of the King’s English. It’s easier to note the insignificant little smidgens I got right. Well, let’s see, the Bears might be improved enough to finish second in the Central. After five games, Chicago is in second. I grudgingly gave modest props to Dallas. I wished Eagles coach Andy Reid good luck. I called Arizona’s success last year a fluke. I said the Colts were not that bad.
Now for what I got wrong. Not just a little wrong, but horribly, moronically wrong. The Vikings, I said, “are going to put up 30 points a game … they’ll roll through the Central.” Minnesota, currently last in the Central, can’t even beat the Bears. I loved, just loved, the Giants. In retrospect, this is precisely the sort of misplaced affection which caused me to be single for 20 years. I predicted that Norv Turner would be fired by now — not likely since the Redskins have, out of nowhere, the best offense in the league. If I loved New York, I was knocked stone cold dead by Atlanta. “I like Atlanta,” currently 1-4, “a lot!” “If Atlanta stumbles,” I continued, “San Francisco will win in a cakewalk.” The Niners, a lucky 3-2, look awful. “The Rams stink” [I was on a roll now]; “they’ll be lucky to win four games.” The Rams, 4-0, could lose 12 straight to help me out.
The Jets (1-3) were a lock to play in the Super Bowl. It’s funny how dull a genius coach can look when he loses his quarterback. I figured, touting Denver, “All things being equal, Denver’s QB duo of Griese/Brister is no worse than the rest of the division’s QBs.” Perhaps, but apparently all things are not equal. Denver’s great defense, running game, and brilliant coaching have netted them one win. Denver’s stomping of the West “would be the easiest division battle in the league.” I had Pittsburgh, losers every week, winning the Central. Kordell Stewart was in the Hall of Fame.
I called Cincinnati a disaster but who am I to talk? Jeez! Believe it or not, I actually researched those columns! Someone named Kurt Warner, unknown to all but his mother in September, is carrying a best-quarterback-of-all-time QB rating. Brad Johnson and Jon Kitna are close behind. Where are Vinny (broken leg), Jake the Snake (behind 21-0 after 10 minutes), Randall, Steve (getting the shit beat out of him every week), and old Chris Chandler (injured again and slowly running for his life, a condition caused by losing his stud running back)? Houston — I mean Tennessee — is 4-1 playing with a scrap-heap QB. San Diego, one of the league’s worst last year, is leading the rudderless AFC West. Green Bay is 3-1, but without weekly last-second miracles by Brett Favre they’d be 1-3. St. Louis, for the love of God, is the only undefeated team in the NFL!
Mock the old Coach if you must, but remember: Nobody recalls all of your stupid opinions … except your wife, who will remember every one. I have to print mine. A year ago I’d have promised to eat the rest of the stump off of my boxer’s tail if the Rams even made the playoffs. In this crazy year is a Rams/Titans Super Bowl impossible? Don’t look at me. I don’t think I’d like boxer stump.
This article appears in October 15 • 1999.