I envy those pre-season NFL prediction pieces where each team is covered with a clever, sagacious, and — here’s the important part — one-sentence summary. I always wanted to do this. I try and try. I can’t do it. Note how I get more long-winded as the column goes on.
AFC East
Without any question the premier division in the game. The Cowboys might finish last here.NY Jets: Do you like your tuna with heavy mayo or straight from the can? Parcells haters will have their fill — like it or not.
Buffalo: I thought we were done with the Bills, but like nose hair, they keep coming back. A kind schedule, rare depth at QB, and no glaring weakness means East teams better break out the tweezers.
Miami: Jimmy Johnson would sign Hitler if he’d gain some weight (“The H-Man’s a mean little bastard”), Charles Manson if that tight-assed parole board would be reasonable (“Hey, everybody’s entitled to a mistake!”), and Jeffrey Dahmer if he weren’t dead (“Jeff was a real special teams asset. He had that insatiable hunger you just don’t find anymore”). I hope Miami goes 0-16.
Patsies: Parcells has his old team and its coach afraid of the wind. Pete Carroll might be one of the first coaches fired.
Colts: Has any spouse ever said, “Honey, let’s fly up to Indianapolis this weekend?” Hoosier blandness aside, the improved Colts could easily move ahead of New England.
AFC West
The West’s claim to fame? With Elway retired, the West features the worst collection of starting quarterbacks since the final days of the SWC.Denver: All things being equal, Brister/Griese are no worse than Kitna (Seattle), Gannon (Oakland), Grbac (KC), and Harbaugh (San Diego). Since most of the key players from the Super Bowl winner return, how can you pick against them? The easiest division battle in the league.
Seattle: You could put the next three teams in a bag and shake. They all carry heavy baggage smelling of rotten mackerel. Parcells and Shanahan have proved a coach matters — a lot. Solely on the basis of Mike Holmgren, I put the chronically pathetic Seagulls second in a bad division.
Kansas City: If you saw that Monday night game against Denver last year, you witnessed the NFL equivalent of monks setting themselves on fire. ‘Tis a hard thing to forget. Marty’s gone, replaced by a fellow who’s never head coached anywhere. Bad? Good? Who knows? Give me a choice between going to a Chiefs game and eating lunch at Arthur Bryant’s, I’ll give you my ticket, no questions asked.
Oakland: Okay, score one for Indianapolis. When a mediocre team draws the toughest schedule in the league, you’re looking at a five-win season — tops.
San Diego: Can you make the argument the Chargers are any better than two years ago, when they had the worst record in the league? Ryan Leaf was about as bad as it gets, and even if he learned anything, which doesn’t seem likely, he’s out for the season. The Chargers do have a good defense, and the combination of Harbaugh/ Kramer at QB at least provides competent leadership. I don’t know, let’s move them up to second.
AFC Central
A hard one to call — and a hard division to like.Pittsburgh: I prefer to believe last year’s 7-9 was a fluke. I prefer to believe last year’s Kordell Stewart wasn’t really Kordell Stewart, but a sensitive look-alike. The better the Steelers do, the more they’re on TV. The more they’re on TV, the more we get to see spit, tooth jam, and slobber flying from Bill Cowher’s mouth.
Jacksonville: I yearn for the days when expansion teams were 2-14 for a decade or so. This new-team-winning-right-away stuff confounds crabby people like me. Oh well, the reality is it would take another serious Brunell injury and a Disneyland year from Steve McNair for the Jags to finish any lower than 2nd.
Tennessee: 8-8, 8-8, 8-8. This overwhelming ordinariness is the last three seasons for the Oiler/ Titans. They finally have a home field and a new logo — but still sport ugly uniforms. You never hear a word of criticism about McNair’s syrup-slow development, but I wonder. He has to toss the ball upfield once in a while. Thigpen and Chris Sanders (picked five spots ahead of Randy Moss) need to be there to catch it for the Titans to get off the 8-8 treadmill to oblivion.
Ravens: The Browns left Cleveland, went to Baltimore, and disappeared. Is there a more nondescript, invisible team than the Ravens? Even Homicide: Life on the Street never used a Raven game as a backdrop. The surest pick I’ve made is the Ravens to finish 6-10, fourth in the Central.
Bengals: Jesus Christ, what a disaster! What’s to say? Do you think Jeff Blake, one of the league’s worst QBs, is going to turn them around? First-round pick Akili Smith got off to a bad start with a long holdout, so he’s probably just now learning the name of the Bengal dive play. Another sure thing: At the end of the season Cincinnati will have one of the three worst records in the league.
Next week: the rest of the story.
This article appears in September 10 • 1999.