BREAKING NEWS You thought I was a fame whore? Well, gnaw on this, you haters. I declined – yes, declined – to spend some public quality time with the Queen Fame Whore of All Time, Kim Kardashian. Seems that she’s slapped her name on some “new” makeup line – this one promising to fill the lines on your face. Right. Kim Kardashian may have had lines done on her face, but she does not have lines on her face. And it’s not because of her makeup. It’s because she’s still a child! Are you going to take advice on aging from a child? I do confess, I was intrigued when the publicist wrote me and asked if I’d like to interview the famous-for-no-good-reason Ms. Kardashian (aka The Divorcée and Bubbles). After all, I am a celebrity-obsessed fashion gorgon, right? It sounded charming. Kardashian would make a red-carpet entrance into Sephora at Barton Creek Mall (a red carpet? In a mall?), while throngs of slavish admirers punch and kick one another just to have the opportunity to gaze at the woman who … who … did what again? I forget. So I wrote back to Ms. K’s publicist and said that, indeed, I’d be honored to interview the bulbous one. I imagined, of course, that KK and I would bond instantly during a three-minute interview in a dingy back office of a retail store and then maybe we’d sneak off to the food court together to just have some, you know, privacy, while we were both totally awestruck at how much we had in common. She’d giggle as she was ordering some jalapeño poppers and a Diet Coke at the burger place, telling me how a girl has got to watch her figure, because if she didn’t, no one would! Ha-ha, good one, Bubbles. Dim-witted but sweet! It would become apparent that she was just a down-to-earth young girl riding the crest of a mysterious wave of fame. And she was all mine – for a few furtive moments in a mall, anyway. Imaginary scenarios aside, the publicist wrote me back explaining that I wouldn’t really get to interview KK, but I could be a reporter yelling questions as she walked the red carpet … into the mall. Please. Clearly the publicist (I like to think of her as a “public cyst”) didn’t want me to be a reporter but to just act like one for the benefit of KK’s delusional fan base. Oh, no no no. I’ve walked just as many red carpets as KK, and I will not behave like Billy Bush or Ryan (God help us) Seacrest and shove my nose so far up the “celeb’s” bum that I’d walk away dripping. Not for KK, anyway. I wrote the public cyst back right away, apologizing that unfortunately neither me nor any of my staff members would be able to attend. When I’d originally responded, I offered to publicize the “event” as context for the interview, but the public cyst hastened to urge me not to publicize the event since they were already expecting an enormous crowd. Therefore, my precious readers, for you and you only, here are the details: KK will be dragging her tired ass to Sephora at Barton Creek tonight (Thursday, July 22) from 7:30 to 9pm, ostensibly to debut her makeup collection but, in reality, probably just to inflate her ego … which is about as inflated as her breasts and butt. Go. Tell your friends! Especially if your friends are teenage girls or know any teenage girls. Dress like sluts; act like you’re surprised at how many people there are; blow kisses and pose for photographers. Then you’ll really be living life the way Kim does. (On the other hand, I do love that Krispy Kreme joined a true diva, Cyndi Lauper, in the Give a Damn campaign, which educates heteros about the real discrimination suffered by gay people.)
STAR TURNS OK, so I did my turn as celebrity bartender for the Red Cross Happy Hour at Ruth’s Chris Steak House. Wearing all white and my huge “overseer’s” hat and accented by silver, turquoise, and mother-of-pearl jewelry, I arrived to an already happy crowd, including my old friend Thad Rosenfeld (he handles community relations for KVUE, and he’s Judy Maggio‘s husband), Downtown bons vivants Forrest Preece and Linda Ball, my brother Scott Moser, and Austin Fire Chief Rhoda Mae Kerr (she had been announced as our celebrity guest – but she didn’t have to stand behind the bar and wash glasses like I did). Kerr was absolutely charming and a pleasure to meet – not to mention that she looks great in uniform. It was a fun round of introductions and chatter, and the Red Cross could potentially make this celeb happy hour into a popular tradition. The Red Cross is one of my favorite charities because it doesn’t care who you are or what you do, only that you need help. And it’s always there.
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This article appears in July 23 • 2010.