TOP 9 CHARITY FUNDRAISERS
(In no particular order)
TEXAS 4000 Texas 4000 Tribute Gala
BALLET AUSTIN Ballet Fête*ish ’09
ZACH THEATRE Red, Hot & Soul
OCTOPUS CLUB Octo Tea Dance XIV
AUSTIN FILM SOCIETY Texas Film Hall of Fame
ANTONE’S Help Clifford Help Kids
UMLAUF SCULPTURE GARDEN Garden Party
BREAST CANCER RESOURCE CENTER Champagne Brunch & Auction
HOSPICE AUSTIN Beauty of Life
CENTER FOR CHILD PROTECTION Dancing With the Stars Austin
Okay, so I listed 10. Sue me.
TOP 9 MOST VILE PEOPLE THAT I’D LIKE TO NEVER SEE AGAIN
1) MILEY CYRUS There. I said it. This vile, gnomish, pole-dancing tweenie has a bright future ahead of her … as a pole-dancing gnome. You know Her Vileness didn’t fall far from the tree.
2) BALLOON BOY AND FAMILY So vile. Those 15 minutes fly by, don’t they?
3) TIGER WOODS Schadenfreude at its finest. The harder they fall, indeed.
4) SARAH PALIN Unspeakable vileness. I’m pretty much ready to let her go.
5) JON AND KATE GOSSELIN Just. Go. Away. We hate you and your children.
6) TAREQ AND MICHAELE SALAHI Vile. The most transparent people alive. Off with their heads.
7) PAMELA ANDERSON Looking older than old. She’s the Zsa Zsa Gabor for the new century.
8) CARRIE PREJEAN, MISS CALIFORNIA, PROTECTOR OF ALL THAT IS SACRED Stupid, vile slut.
9) LIL’ WAYNE Omigod, a year in jail? My dream already came true.
TOP 9 PROGNOSTICATIONS FOR BELOVED CELEBUTARDS
1) THE THREE-HEADED HYDRA KNOWN AS KOURTNEY, KIM, AND KHLOE KARDASHIAN Perhaps the most loathsome of all celebutards. I’m seeing a future of trashiness ahead for them. Now that they’ve begun spawning, someone will give them a special on three hysterectomies. It can be the final episode of their vile televised activities: The Day Their Tubes Stood Still.
2) THE BECKHAMS, DAVID AND VICTORIA Becks and Posh. Yeah. We know he’s hot. But she looks like my elderly teacup Chihuahua. I’m seeing something ugly on the horizon for them. You know it, too, don’t you? Scientology, perhaps?
3) TOM CRUISE. AND KATIE HOLMES. AND PROBABLY LITTLE SURI, TOO. A train wreck that’s happening in slow motion. I’m imagining another Scientological breakdown, this one involving his “clear” close friends, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith and John Travolta and Kelly Preston Travolta, which will scandalize the sextet and send them plunging into obscurity.
4) PRINCESS RIRI AKA RHIANNA The fembot entertainer promises to bring lots more drama for 2010. Count on it.
5) JESSICA SIMPSON I predict we’ll see more and more of her (as she gains weight) as we see less and less of her (as her star wanes).
6) LEVI JOHNSTON We’ve never wanted to see less of him than we do now. I predict T.O. (total obscurity) for 2010.
7) TARA REID AND BROOKE HOGAN will die in a horrible tanning booth accident. Burnt to a crisp in every way possible.
8) ADAM LAMBERT will rightfully win the Aren’t You That Homo Singer Award for 2010.
9) MICHELLE DUGGAR WILL HAVE ANOTHER CHILD (No. 20) AND MOVE IN WITH OCTOMOM (No. 14) and they will raise their 34 children together.
TOP 9 PEOPLE WE WILL MISS
(In no particular order)
FARRAH FAWCETT
ROBIN SHIVERS
PATRICK SWAYZE
NATASHA RICHARDSON
JOHN HUGHES
SOUPY SALES
WALTER CRONKITE
LES PAUL
MARY TRAVERS
ELLIE GREENWICH
FRANK MCCOURT
ANDREW WYETH
DOMINICK DUNNE
Okay, so that’s more than nine, too. It’s but a drop in the bucket of the talent we lost in 2009. R.I.P.
TOP 9 CELEBRITY DISASTERS
1) FARRAH FAWCETT dying on the same day as Michael Jackson. Love you, Farrah, but it was a bad move.
2) LINDSAY LOHAN What else can I say? I always expect that the next photo I see of her will be the photo of her arriving DOA at the hospital.
3) MICHAEL JACKSON The ongoing postmortem.
4) AMY WINEHOUSE See Lindsay Lohan.
5) SUSAN BOYLE’S BREAKDOWN Poor sweetie. Not at all ready.
6) GOV. MARK SANFORD, DAVID LETTERMAN, SEN. JOHN ENSIGN, AND TIGER WOODS Just keep it in your pants, boys.
7) LEVI JOHNSTON NO-SHOW SPREAD Something’s going to happen to him, and it’s not good.
8) CHRIS BROWN Chris Brown. Chris Brown.
9) BROOKE HOGAN
TOP 9 MEMORABLE MOMENTS FOR ME
1) GETTING ARRESTED
2) SELLING OFF THE TREASURES OF MY LIFE
3) MOVING INTO MY SISTER’S HOUSE
4) A TEARFUL REUNION WITH MY BROTHER
5) SENDING MY NEPHEW OFF TO BOOT CAMP
7) BEING HOSPITALIZED FOR HEALTH PROBLEMS
8) SETTLING MY LEGAL MESS
9) CHRISTMAS WITH ALMOST ALL OF MY FAMILY
This article appears in 2009.