FROM ONE EX-CON TO ANOTHER Of course, right after I turned in my Xmas Stars Behind Bars item last week, the truly despicable Lizzie Grubman was released from prison early for “good behavior.” Though she is no longer incarcerated, I can’t help but pass on some information I came across — advice from ex-con Amy Fisher (the Long Island Lolita) to Grubman about surviving the Big House. Fisher, who did hard time for trying to murder her lover’s wife, imparts some sage advice for Grubman in her biweekly column for the New Island Ear. (Gee, if I can be a columnist and she can be a columnist, anyone can!) “If you’re really lonely for your pets, you’re in luck,” says Fisher. “There are arrays of insects and rodents to choose from. If you share your meals with them, they’ll stay with you for the remainder of your stay.” Other advice for Grubman included ordering kosher meals and asking a fellow inmate to braid her hair, “since a hairbrush is a foreign object to the jailkeepers.” My personal favorite? “Be sure to shower in your socks. If you don’t, the foot fungus you’ll acquire will last far longer than your stay. It would look hideous all squished up in a new pair of Prada shoes.”
THE NORSE REPORT Ever since Austin’s stylish gadabout and SXSW fixture Karla Keeton-Page moved to Norway (!), she has regaled all her friends here with riotous tales of life as a Viking princess. From a recent missive, we will quote, “Fashion here in Norway comes in three distinct categories: Patagonia Hiker, Forever 21 Trendster, and Nordic God/Goddess. All the younger women look like window dressing for bebe, with low-slung belts and tight-flared, low-rider pants (they have not learned how to hide their thongs … ick) and tight, cleavage-y shirts in cheap fabrics. That look is so over, but seems to be hanging on for dear life here. The Patagonia folks are just earthy and kind of stinky; think of a Californian with a Nordic edge — looks hot on some of the guys, not so great on the women. The Gods and Goddesses are the ones to watch. There are some supa-stylin’ folks walkin’ around here, and you can tell the real style mavens by the shoes (always the shoes). The pointier the toe the better. Even the boys. Also, the longer the jacket, the better. Especially with skinny pants. Sweet look. The Hives and the White Stripes are super hot here, and their look is kind of trendy, and I see some folks (younger men) following that. Goth is also very, very hot. Rich and I went to the ballet to see Dracula, and there were some interesting Goth people there. I was Cosmo Goth, in my tight black dress with my Laura Maclay ‘Vamp purse.’ I was gratified to see the jealous looks it garnered. Teehee. I am trying desperately to fit my own large wardrobe into a quarter of the space I had in Austin. Scandinavia is not known for closet space. That’s why Ikea sells so many standing wardrobes … shit. I have to get creative on the sweater storage, for which I had a whole closet in Austin. Putting away the clothes usually ends with me throwing a minor fit and getting a stiff drink, then e-mailing someone as a distraction from the distressing lack of space. Let’s not even start on the skirts and dresses … I have no idea where to put them.” Sounds like Karla will need to build a new room to house the gallery of standing wardrobes she’ll need.
THE SEEING EYE Loyal readers know that sports are not really my cup of tea, but sunglasses are. So it is with great pleasure that I direct you to Extreme Views (11139 N. I-35 at Braker). Extreme Views bills itself as an alternative to the Sunglass Hut by offering styles geared to “active” lifestyles (as opposed to “fashion” lifestyles), but fashionistas all over town won’t let that keep them away. The sporty influence currently rules the fashion scene, and this shop carries some wonderful collections from Costa Del Mar, Dragon, and Oakley, as well as being the exclusive agent for Kaenon. An unusual concept, Extreme Views is great for gift shopping … for your loved ones as well as yourself.
HOLIDAY CREATURES The Will Heron collection is making a big splash at Creatures Boutique, 1905-B S. First at West Mary (707-2500). Heron designs for Levi’s, as well as for a label under his own name, including pieces as diverse as undie sets for young girls and T-shirts for men. With graphics that are simple and sweet for the youngsters, to comic-book gore for the men, the collection is quirky and fun and designed right here in our own back yard. Currently showcasing a women’s collection from Amet & Sasha (halters and asymmetrical skirts in sari fabric), Creatures, who also has dozens of other wonderful gift ideas, has new holiday shipments rolling in regularly.
This article appears in December 13 • 2002.