WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? I’m not a doctor, but I like to dress as a nurse when I’m alone. And since losing weight is always high on the list of New Year’s resolutions, let’s chat. Lo-carb diets are all the rage right now. Funny thing, they’ve been around a long time, but got shafted by the general medical establishment that was on the low-fat bandwagon. Oh, yes, there’s still lots of hue and cry about it, saying fat-free is the only way to go, but how did you feel about fat-free? Did you ever really like those sawdust muffins and cardboard cuts of meat? Probably not. Without getting too deeply personal, suffice to say I am a veteran of the lo-carb diets, and have been acquainted with them since the very early Eighties.
People with a weight problem don’t really care about being healthy anyway — if we did we wouldn’t be fat. A simplification, yes, but true, nonetheless. Sure, we’d like to be skinny, but most aren’t willing to do the work necessary to achieve that. Exercise? Please. If that were an option, again, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Often, with the deck stacked against us genetically, emotionally, and socially, thin-dom can be debilitatingly elusive. Drugs of many varieties can be effective, but undesirable personality changes often accompany them. Diets, as we know them, are pitiful drudgery with a very slow return. But, short of liposuction, lo-carb diets are the fastest way to rid yourself of fat.
It is imperative, as with all diets, to have your doctor’s approval before going on your lo-carb adventure, but chances are good that when an overweight person mentions going on a diet to their doctor, all signals are go. There is no consensus as to which diets are best, and there have been amazing results from alternative methods. There are several variations on the diet, some more lenient than others, but ultimately, the amount you lose and how fast you lose it are up to you. If you rigidly adhere to as close to zero carbs as possible (though most suggest you stay under 40 a day), the weight will peel off in no time. Yes, yes, we all know about the unspeakable fears of losing weight “too fast.” We imagine the consumptive Camille withering away, but withering away is a typical fat person’s fantasy. Is it possible that we have this idea we might get too thin, and subsequently ill? Not likely. So, if you’re rigid about it, the weight flies off, and you feel faaaabulous. And you will be amazed, because it’s possible to lose the weight and still eat lots of food. Lots of food is of primary importance when you embark on this diet, and a strong will to swear off of the high carbohydrate foods is even more necessary. That’s the really hard part, although some of the diets allow an occasional moderate portion of pasta or rice or potatoes, or even bread.
Of course, being a “veteran dieter” means that, in essence, none of the diets have worked. It’s like smokers who have quit smoking hundreds of times — but have they ever really quit? No. So it is with dieting. A diet is only a temporary fix at best, unless, of course, the dieter introduces moderation into their regular eating when not on a diet. Virtually anyone can lose the weight and achieve slimness, but staying that way is almost impossible, with depressing odds against it. It’s only natural to want to celebrate the end of a diet by gorging, but the re-gain of the weight begins at that moment.
The Atkins plan recommends a 14-day “induction” period, in which you keep the carbs at a very low minimum. This is the part in which you are appalled at the kinds of food you are allowed to eat, since they can be heavy in fat and other traditionally discouraged elements. Omelets laden with cheese, bacon, and sour cream, thick steaks, juicy chicken, and succulent seafood drenched in real butter, deviled eggs, root beer floats, and chicken salad are among the delicacies that can be an everyday occurrence. But gone is the sugar, bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, carrots, peas, fruit, and many other of life’s pleasures. It sounds strenuous, and it most certainly can be, but the results on the scale will prove that this unorthodox combination of foods is miraculous.
It’s almost possible to achieve a sort of “dieting Nirvana” in which, even though you can eat more than you currently are, you simply no longer have the appetite for it. Being overcome with cravings is still a regular phenomenon, but the dedicated lo-carb dieter will find ingenious and amusing solutions to the problem. Buy a book — there are several, and go to town. What have you got to lose? Hmmm?
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This article appears in December 31 • 1999.