2 parts alcoholism
1 part homosexuality
2 parts adultery
1 part infidelity
1 part drug addiction
1/2 part bisexuality
1 part insanity
1/2 part revenge
1 part illegitimacy
1/2 part tragedy
Pour all ingredients into a large bowl. Add ice and mix. Chill until frost forms. Garnish. Serves millions.
The Royals by Kitty Kelly (Warner Books, $7.99 paper) is an epic production with a stellar cast of characters. The storyline can be summarized by a partial listing of the participants followed by some of their more dubious achievements. Queen Elizabeth II, the richest woman in the world, is a product of artificial insemination and could be considered the daughter of a commoner and a turkey baster. Her mother, Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother, created her own title upon the death of her husband George VI. Thus, she was called “Queen” twice, while her daughter, the real queen, was only Queen Elizabeth. The queen’s uncle, King Edward VIII, abdicated the throne for a scheming American divorcee and later mapped out a secret peace agreement with his friend Adolf Hitler. His wife, the Duchess of Windsor, felt it was necessary to spray flowers with Diorissimo perfume so they smelled better. The queen’s sister, Princess Margaret, walked out of Schindler’s List, referring to it as “a tedious film about Jews.” Perhaps upset at not being a queen herself, she married one instead. And, of course, there’s King George V, who camouflaged the family’s unpopular Teutonic heritage by changing its name from Battenberg to Mountbatten.
Select highlights include: the unadulterated viciousness with which “ice-veined bitches” of the royal family put the Duchess of Windsor into the deep freeze for almost 50 years; the queen’s husband, Prince Philip, and his three illegitimate children; the queen saying that her sister, Princess Margaret, had “the lifestyle of a guttersnipe”; Princess Margaret and her homosexual husband with their gender-bending role-playing games; Princess Diana tripping her stepmother, causing her to tumble down a flight of stairs; the queen Mother’s colostomy bag; Prince Charles’ obsession with the leathery Camilla Parker-Bowles, whose husband, Andrew, became known as Andrew Park-Your-Balls; the Duchess of York’s appalling indiscretions; and the riveting information that the queen’s bridal nightgown came from Joske’s of Texas in San Antonio and cost $300 — twice the monthly income of the average American in 1952.
For what we are about to receive, O, Kitty Kelly, make us truly thankful. Amen. —Stephen MacMillan Moser
This article appears in August 27 • 1999 and August 27 • 1999 (Cover).