(Random Thoughts While Watching From Justin to Kelly in an Empty Movie Theatre in South Austin …) 1) Justin meets Kelly. Kelly likes Justin. Justin likes Kelly. Alexa comes between Justin and Kelly. Justin loses Kelly. Alexa is exposed as the conniving bitch that she is. Justin and Kelly reunite. Shakespeare was right: The course of true love never runs smooth. 2) Given that Kelly won the first American Idol showdown and Justin was the runner-up in the contest, why does his name precede hers in the title of their first (and probably last) movie? Why isn’t the title To Kelly From Justin? Once again, is there any doubt that Hollywood is a man’s town? 3) Please answer me: What is with Justin’s hair? I swear, during the course of this movie, you actually watch it grow. 4) The spring-break setting of this deodorized and sanitized movie is rife with unexplored dramatic possibilities. Without question, the quintessential spring-break movie is the original Where the Boys Are (not the Lorna Luft remake). Who could forget a near-catatonic Yvette Mimieux wandering into highway traffic after getting gangbanged? 5) Costume designer Bobbie Read should be legally enjoined from ever working on a film again and instead design outfits for Christina Aguilera full-time. In the scene in which Kelly dresses like a “bad girl,” she takes white-trash couture to new heights by wearing cut-off jeans transformed into a skirt by a bunch of men’s ties sewn to the waist. In the film’s finale, she wears a halter top that looks like it’s been shredded by a lion. People have been thrown into prison for less than this. 6) Moulin Rouge … Chicago … From Justin to Kelly … two steps forward and then about 16 steps back for the film musical. 7) The idea of fame in this country is so perverse: You sing a few songs on today’s version of Ted Mack’s Amateur Hour, and suddenly you’re a movie star. Reality TV is indeed the work of the devil. 8) Things I dread: a film version of Gilligan’s Island starring the cast of the latest Survivor, the announcement that the Bachelor and the Bachelorette will procreate, a remake of Sophie’s Choice starring Anna Nicole Smith. 9) What’s next: From Reuben to Clay?
This article appears in June 27 • 2003.
