As the tagline proclaims: Same ho. New low. What else is there to say? There’s a certain joy to be found in seeing moon-faced Schneider (who returns as the titular “he-bitch”) thrown out a window, beaten by Dutch police, and derided as a “doped-up cracker.” Elsewhere in this flaccid sequel’s interminable 83 minutes, you have the following: Asian small-dick jokes, an uncredited Norm Macdonald (as a Scottish “man-whore”), and a love interest (TV hostess Verboom) with OCD tics. It’s the kind of movie that can make a person feel sorry for Griffin, even though he gets the one funny joke. (Confidential to Griffin: You are forgiven for Double Take.) There’s some kind of business about a serial killer preying on the gigolos of Europe – the filmmakers like to remind the audience in seven-minute intervals that these guys have names like Assapopoulos and ridiculous signature moves – but of course the setup is the same as before: Show us some pathetic, too-tall, tragically disfigured, or otherwise unfuckable women, and after the filmmakers make great sport of them, we can all pretend that the movie is really about Loving the Person Inside. And then it doesn’t really matter that, for example, you are a Chernobyl victim with a penis where your nose should be, and it’s very inconvenient for everyone when you sneeze. (Really: Ten minutes of screen time is devoted to this idea.) I’ve seen some shitty movies – one of which required a two-day hospitalization because my liver nearly failed in the theatre – but European Gigolo is a singularly dreadful example of what can happen when potentially capable comedians (Adam Sandler’s production company, Happy Madison, is behind the scenes) check their brains at a committee meeting and go slumming for dollars: Considerable resources are invested in discovering new variants of the jizz joke. Watching it is like having somebody’s annoying pubescent nephew elbowing you in the ribs: “His name is Heinz Hummer! Get it? Hilarious!” Not content to merely be lowbrow and stupid – there’s room in the world for lowbrow and stupid mass entertainment – the film is pushy and might actually cause chafing.
This article appears in August 19 • 2005.