Dear Luv Doc,
First off, let me be clear I have no problem with people smoking pot. I myself have been an infrequent smoker since high school but generally, it’s not really my thing on a regular basis. I mainly drink beer or sometimes wine, and I only drink on social occasions. My brother-in-law has always been a pot smoker and doesn’t really drink much. He is a nice enough guy but he seems to have no problem smoking around my elementary age kids even though me and my husband have asked him not to. He says him smoking weed in front of my kids isn’t any different than me and my husband drinking in front of them, which we do on weekends and holidays. I haven’t really pushed it with him or my husband because he usually only smokes outside, but it still annoys me that he doesn’t respect our wishes. Should I demand that my husband make him stop, or am I being hypocritical?
– Not Chill About Uncle Bill
Usually I defend pot smokers because they can’t defend themselves. I don’t mean that they don’t have the physical capability, I just mean they’re often too busy looking at their hands, concocting intricate, harebrained conspiracy theories, or sloppily constructing some sort of hybrid food mash-up like a chili cheese fluffernutter and are therefore unable to cogently engage in a reasonable defense of their sometimes unreasonable behavior. What kind of monster doesn’t feel a paternal urge to shelter the innocent? I mean other than Republicans. Besides, pot smokers are a generally lovable lot, even if they sometimes come with some questionable quirks.
Remember Willie in those Texas flag running shorts? Sure, it was the Eighties, and Willie was in exceptional shape for a man in his 70s, and unlike the entire state of Michigan, the term “moose knuckle” hadn’t moved to Austin just yet, but nylon short-shorts were an incredibly daring fashion statement for a fellow so long in the tooth and presumably the scrotum as well. Even still, no matter how much anxiety Willie fans might have felt about Willie’s junk falling out in the Texas heat at some inopportune moment, it never did. Or maybe it did, but nobody had cellphones back, then so Willie’s sweaty, glistening, potentially pendulous package is merely a specter that haunts our collective consciousness. That said, I think it’s a pretty safe bet that Willie’s downstairs neighbor was the real redheaded stranger that paid for Morgan Fairchild’s therapist’s swimming pool. Unsubstantiated claims aside, the important point is that those Texas flag running shorts might have been an abomination on a red-nosed, bloviating old drunk like Bob Bullock, but on an affable stoner like Willie Nelson, they were just a lovable quirk.
All of which is to say it’s smart to be extra careful when you start trying to regulate the behavior of hardcore stoners. One misstep and you might get accused of running a child trafficking ring out of the basement of your pizza parlor. I mean, to be fair, why does your pizza parlor even have a basement? You might not even own a pizza parlor (suspicious), but that doesn’t mean your plan to limit your children’s exposure to marijuana use doesn’t have some Byzantine, sinister motive. You can’t stop your children from smoking marijuana by misting them with chemtrails, Karen. You just can’t!
Yeah, you’re in a no-win situation here, but certain defeat is no reason not to dive into the fray. Shit, if you’re going to knuckle under any time you know you’re going to take an ass-whupping, why even do life? Tell your brother-in-law and your husband that from now on there is to be no smoking in front of the children. That shit should be done in privacy anyway, with a side of shame to keep it interesting … you know, like masturbation. Or, conversely, you could just explain calmly to your kids that Uncle Bill struggles with addiction and should therefore be treated with compassion and empathy. Rest assured he won’t be the last pot smoker they will have to tolerate.
This article appears in July 29 • 2022.
