Dear Luv Doc,
My brother-in-law has been coming to the house a lot lately, and he never wears a mask. Last visit he said that people who are afraid of getting the coronavirus should just stay at home. I told him we are staying home and very concerned about getting the coronavirus. He got mad and said we were being a bunch of Austin liberals (true!) and that no one in Texas outside of Austin wears masks. Then he stormed out of the house and drove back to Lampasas. Now my wife is mad at me. She said I shouldn’t have said anything because he isn’t going to change his mind and all I am doing is causing trouble. I am causing trouble. I can’t decide if I am madder at my wife or my brother-in-law. Are people insane? Are they really not wearing masks outside of Austin? I wouldn’t know. I have barely left the house since March
– A Concerned In-law
Don’t come looking to me to throw Lampasas under the bus for being a bunch of rat lickers. I have always found it to be a wonderful place – if only for the brevity of its delay of my treks northwestward. What can I say? I like a small town with a short strip. I don’t need to waste precious minutes of a 15-hour weed run meandering around a quaint, adorably neoclassical county courthouse. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Mason. I agree that pink granite is dope but not the dope that’s on my agenda. One of these days – ideally when the government isn’t forcing me to dress like a bank robber and pot is finally legal – I would like to take an extended architectural tour of small-town Texas – one where I am not blazing by at breakneck speed or driving an overly cautious five miles under the speed limit so I don’t get pulled over for muling.
So are they not wearing masks outside of Austin? I’ve heard stories, but to be honest, there are plenty of people right here in River City who aren’t wearing masks – even me on occasion. Now, before you go getting your knickers in a twist, I only go maskless when I know I am going to be able to keep a respectable social distance from others, which for the most part is just fine with me. I have never felt a strong urge to get up in other people’s chili. A friendly wave is more than sufficient social interaction – especially with total strangers. Truth be told, I have spent the last 20 years or so training myself to be a better hugger to get out of that habit. And then this shit.
Texas being Texas, there is plenty of room outside of Austin to maintain proper social distancing, unfortunately even folks in less populated areas tend to cluster together – mainly at the Dairy Queen. That can’t be healthy. If the COVID don’t get you, the Type II diabetes will. One thing is relatively certain though: The people working behind the counter will definitely be wearing masks. I would imagine that most people working in a public capacity are as well. So, when your brother-in-law tells you that no one outside of Austin wears masks, he is pulling your leg to suit his agenda, which, right after COVID, is the most disturbing thing happening in this country right now. It’s a top-down problem that we need to address in November, so you keep doing you. Stay healthy and tell your brother-in-law to keep his maskless, spit-spattering face out of your house so you can live long enough to mail in your vote. Some relatives, like rattlesnakes, are best enjoyed from a distance.
This article appears in August 28 • 2020.
