Dear Luv Doc,
I am a peaceful woman. I generally hold no ill will against my fellow man. I say “please” and “thank you” and generally hold the door for those behind me. I am a decent person, but I swear to God if my neighbor’s yappy dog wakes me up one more time at seven in the morning I am going to snap. Who lets their fucking dog out at seven in the morning? I am thinking about buying an anaconda to throw over their fence. Please advise.
I think we have all been there, Murderous. Why, just last Sunday morning I was awakened by the incessant, cheerful chirping of a mockingbird outside my window. At first I thought, “I am going to kill that bird … and all its fowl brethren … and its children … and its children’s children. I am going to kill that bird so dead that birds themselves will become extinct.” Then I stopped myself and said, “Hold on, calm down. Killing all the birds in the world is a lot of work and look here … you’re trying to get some sleep. How do you think you’re going to get any sleep running around killing all the birds in the world? John James Audubon spent his entire life trying to kill all the birds in the world and didn’t succeed. What makes you think you’d do any better?”
I will admit to being a bit of a pessimist when I am hung over, but let’s be real: I wasn’t going to get out of my warm, cozy bed, load up my scattergun, and give that mockingbird the what for. No, instead I just lay there basting in the steam bath of my own fury, cataloging new and ingenious ways to kill a mockingbird. They say it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird. Well, if it is, I came up with about 50 ways to commit that sin in a spectacularly gory fashion. In fact, I feel fairly certain that given the same amount of time Audubon had to work on his book, I could probably cough up a bestseller, too. At least I am fairly sure it would be popular with house cats.
So the anaconda idea has some legs … scales … whatever. I am fairly sure I have never heard any stories where using an anaconda as a dog assassin backfired. A dude in Indonesia got swallowed a few weeks back, but to my knowledge, they haven’t yet determined whether the snake was a dog assassin, or whether the swallowed dude had maybe recently smeared himself with bacon fat. I will also admit that my knowledge of Indonesian cuisine is a bit spotty.
Regardless, I am not going to sit here and tell you the anaconda idea is not a workable – if somewhat pricey – solution. I doubt that your neighbors are going to agree to a shock collar – either for themselves or their dog. A sincere, heartfelt missive would surely go unread. So, your best bet is the anaconda, or maybe a smaller, less spendy snake. I would suggest earplugs, Dilaudid, or maybe moving to a new address, but those are all last-resort kinds of things. Buy the snake.
This article appears in April 14 • 2017.