Many people are accused of having head injuries, but only about one in a thousand can legitimately walk the wobbly walk. Just to be safe, however, you probably shouldn’t be too hard on people who act like they’ve been clocked with a two-by-four. People get smacked in the head with two-by-fours and other painful wooden objects all the time: Baseball bats, pool cues, broomsticks, axe handles, tree branches … you get the idea. Fortunately, the skull is amazingly resilient. In fact, many head injuries go unreported – not just because the injured has the wits completely knocked out of them but because getting smacked in the head is a little embarrassing. Think about it. A decent number of the terms used to describe stupid people involve, or at least imply, head injury: knucklehead, blockhead, bonehead, knothead, numbskull … and you don’t want to be any of those (unless you’re into huffing nitrous, which will make you all of the above … and giggly). Even if you’re not doing nitrous it seems like it should be simple enough to keep your noggin out of harm’s way, but we live in a dynamic universe where objects hurtle toward each other at breathtaking speeds. Every once in a while those objects collide, and occasionally one or more of those objects is a skull, a human skull. Snap, crackle, pop … or, as Homer Simpson is always saying, “Doh!” You could probably shave off some probability by wearing a helmet, but unless you’re piloting some sort of vehicle or drinking beer from them, helmets are a little passé. Then again, you might be the kind of person with enough juice to become the new messiah of protective headgear. If so, hallelujah! Otherwise, you might do well to kick a few bucks toward this Saturday’s Headbanger’s Call, a roots-rock show benefiting the Brain Injury Association of Texas. For $5 you get to see the Junglerockers, the Thunderchiefs, Bloody Tears, and Two Hoots & a Holler. That’s a buttload of ear spank for a fin, not to mention you’ll be racking up some karmic brownie points for the next time you lean a little too far over the plate.
This article appears in July 7 • 2006.
