The Luv Doc: NoisyDogs Guest

Dear Luv Doc,

I am the proud dog Dad to two young very cute Chihuahuas, a brother and sister. They bark a little bit, not too much, and we are readily working on correcting that behavior without being too punitive. My next-door neighbor has renamed his Wi-Fi networks "NoisyDogs," "NoisyDogs Guest," and "MyNeighborHas2NoisyDogs." I have not responded to this and am asking should I, or should I just take the high road and just continue to smile? To give you a little more insight, this same neighbor blacks out his entire house on Halloween to avoid giving out candy and has never ever put up Xmas lights. So should I continue to ignore his passive-aggressive ass, or rename my Wi-Fi networks "GetALifeLoser," "LoveDogsHatePeople," or "MyNeighborHasNoSoul"? Thanks for anything you can offer.

– Dog Lover and Human

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If a Passive Aggression Hall of Fame exists, your neighbor deserves to be in it. On first read, I caught myself mentally slow clapping at the diabolical brilliance of this gambit, even though I think we both know it will have absolutely zero effect on you or your "2NoisyDogs," who I am going to assume don't even use the internet. That's the insane beauty of passive aggression though, isn't it? Passive-aggressive behavior is almost always a sure bet for creating unintended consequences. Making it further entertaining is the fact that oftentimes those consequences are way out of proportion to the problem/situation that created them.

All that said, I am a huge fan. Why say something directly when you can concoct some snippy, petulant, obtusely symbolic replacement for direct and sincere communication? I shudder to think how this column would read if I were cursed with the earnestness and forthrightness of … say … a Lutheran minister. Actually, I've never even met a Lutheran minister. They might be real yucksters. Maybe I should have gone with "funeral director," "IRS auditor," or "that one dude at the party who keeps prattling on about how AI is going to change everything." EXCEPT, OBVIOUSLY, THE FUCKING SUBJECT (which, coincidentally, is the name the name of my Wi-Fi network. Password: "Elon").

Were I a licensed therapist or even someone of modest intellect, I would counsel you to continue ignoring your neighbor and go on enjoying your rich, slightly noisy, dog-loving life, but that makes for shit copy, and more importantly, I am greatly intrigued that your trick-or-treater/Jesus/Santa-hating neighbor has a Wi-Fi guest network. Surely there is some rich backstory to that. Guest networks are pretty much standard for coffee shops and hotel lobbies, but a personal residence? Is your neighbor concerned that potential houseguests will use up all the bandwidth? I would flush with embarrassment at even the thought of telling a houseguest that I have a guest Wi-Fi network. That's like telling someone who asks for a glass of water to please use the hose outside.

It's also possible that your neighbor created three Wi-Fi networks to really hammer home the point that your Chihuahuas are noisy. Such an insulting and classless lack of subtlety is surely indicative of some deeper, more disturbing psychopathy. So, if you do decide to take revenge by renaming your own Wi-Fi network something like "NoNeedForWifiGuestNetworksHere," just know that it could take a really dark turn. If you're expecting your neighbor to let waking dogs bark, you should probably let sleeping dogs lie.