The Luv Doc: Privacy Fence

Dear Luv Doc,

After the storms back in March, the old wooden fence between me and my neighbor got blown sideways so it leaned into my yard. My neighbor, who is unmarried and twice my age, said that the fence was originally his so he would fix it. I said OK, and he tore down the fence the next day, but has barely made any progress on it whatsoever, and it seems like any time I go out into my backyard to let my dog go to the bathroom – which I have to do on a leash now – my neighbor is out there "working," and he always tries to strike up a conversation with me. Frankly it's a little bit creepy. What can I do to get him to pick up the pace? I don't like having to put my dog on a leash and I definitely don't like having to make chitchat. I would prefer not to move because the rent is cheap and my lease isn't up until August. --Ogled

I am with you Ogled, this is some messed up shit. Everybody knows (and by everybody, I am primarily referring to the European diaspora, including the unfortunate souls who have been victimized by the European diaspora over the last few millennia – primarily because of the completely fabricated European belief that land and property can be owned) good fences make good neighbors. Actually, a really dense hedge makes good neighbors, too, unless your neighbor has a small dog like a beagle or a dachshund. Those yappy little bastards can find their way through even the densest hedge – especially if you barbecue frequently or bury drifter corpses in your backyard. Dogs love digging up corpses. If you're a serial killer you might want to keep that in mind.

More importantly, if we are going to buy into the whole notion of private property in the first place, it might as well actually be private. Nothing is more maddening than a DoorDash driver cutting across your lawn because he is too goddamned lazy to take the sidewalk. I mean, I am assuming those Cali transplants aren't dropping $800,000 on a Crestview fixer-upper just so they can watch delivery drivers wear a footpath in their lawn satisfying their neighbor's penchant for Arby's French dip. I truly feel for them. There is just something about paying someone to bring fast food to your door that makes me go full on Gran Torino. If you're going to wreck your colon, at least pop for Domino's, you cheap fucking bastard.

The backyard, of course, is a whole 'nother deal. I am pretty much against them entirely, but I can see how a person might get used to those wooden privacy fences – especially the nudists and, like I said, the serial killers. If you're going to be sunning your privates alfresco or filling lime pits with drifter body parts, having your backyard surrounded by a shitty wooden privacy fence is probably a dream come true. You should live that dream and ignore people like me who have been traumatized by some cheapass developer's tract home wooden privacy fence that turned into a graffiti magnet in some deteriorating suburban hellscape like Garland, Pflugerville, or Tomball.

Now, lest you start sharpening your pitchfork over the geographic slanders of the preceding paragraph, please be clear that I am not disparaging those communities in general, just their preponderance of cheap wooden privacy fences, likely erected because of some drunken realtor's assertion that chain-link looks trashy. Maybe it does, but not nearly as trashy as a shitty wooden privacy fence. All that said – and sorry you had to read it – you sound like you could really use a well-built wooden privacy fence posthaste, so here's my suggestion: Ask your neighbor if he would be willing to put up some temporary fencing so that you can at least let your dog out without a leash. It shouldn't be that expensive. In fact, you could even offer to pay for the materials. It won't keep you from being ogled or having to make awkward conversation, but it will keep you from having to be outside as much. Other than that, your next best option is to offer to pitch in and help, and who wants to do that?