The Luv Doc: Tested in All Ways But One

There has never been a better time in the history of the planet to get to know someone without swapping cooties

The Luv Doc: Tested in All Ways But One

Dear Luv Doc,

It is becoming increasingly apparent to me that this coronavirus pandemic isn't going to go away anytime soon. Three Mountain West conference schools – including the UC system – have announced they plan to only have mostly online classes in the fall, and today (Thu., May 14), Texas had the highest number of coronavirus deaths in a day (58). Move along, nothing to see here! Despite that, Governor Abbott is going to open gyms and exercise facilities on Monday, which will no doubt increase the spread of the virus and lead to more Texans dying. So, considering that those of us with the most to lose will be locked up for a long time, how does an old guy like me find love and companionship with someone smart enough to stay healthy?

– Tested in All Ways But One

I truly wish I had an answer for that, but we are in uncharted territory here – at least in terms of dating. The good news, at least, is that there has never been a better time in the history of the planet to get to know someone without swapping cooties. The downside, of course, is that glory hole hand jobs are now even riskier than they were in early January, but if we're being really honest, nobody is going to waste a proper glory hole on a hand job. Therefore, my bet is that the risk of getting a communicable disease from a glory hole has only increased a modest amount.

Coronavirus notwithstanding, casual sex has always been a bit of a crap shoot. Both dice games and venereal diseases date back to well before the ancient Greeks, who, even by modern standards, got around. Ancient Mesopotamians might well have been busy inventing the wheel, but they were also getting busy with each other in ways that would make even a dancing Baptist blush. Sumerians, Babylonians, and Akkadians were all up to their ears in pottery porn, stone dildos, and freaky sex positions. Why do you think it was called the Fertile Crescent? You can bet it wasn't because of the number of seeds in their cantaloupe slices – and remember, this was back when the only sure cure for syphilis was the grave.

Who knows what would have become of the ancient Mesopotamians if they had Grindr? The armies of Alexander the Great might have deserted en masse if they found out the syphilitic Mesos were down for doggy style. And there you go: The Greek army is dead in the water before they can even explore the Indian subcontinent – and more importantly, the Kama Sutra.

I know, I know, I am not here to rewrite history, especially when the future looms so menacingly, but somehow I still can't seem to shake my inexplicable sense of optimism. Compared to the ancient Mesopotamians, we just have it so damn good. For instance: I don't think they even knew what avocado toast was. How's that for a tragic, unbearable existence? Look. I know it's been a long time since America has been so rife with ignorance, discord, and rancor, but what better time for everyone to go to their respective corners and contemplate their contribution to shitting the collective bed? I feel fairly certain we will all emerge better people.

So my advice to you is to take this wonderful opportunity to get to know someone – or several someones – who might enrich your life in ways that a hormone-addled sexual encounter never could. Then ... perhaps in a few months or on November 4, when you finally realize Armageddon is actually approaching, you can bust that nut that's been building up for the last nine months with someone you've truly grown to love and cherish, coronavirus be damned.

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