The Luv Doc: Attaboy!

Adequate is an adjective that has never inspired anyone in any way ever

The Luv Doc: Attaboy!

Dear Luv Doc,

My wife and I have been happily married for just over 25 years. We get along great, we laugh at each other's jokes, we genuinely enjoy each other's company a reasonable amount of the time, and now we have raised two successful and well-adjusted, wonderful daughters. However, as in all your letters, there is just this one thing: When I ask her to do something, she generally replies, "That's fine." This afternoon, as a surprise, I asked her to go to a movie she has been looking forward to seeing and she replied, "That's fine." I take her to an abnormally pricey and nice restaurant and I get "That's fine." Cook a great meal, and "That's fine." Multiple orgasms: "That was fine," etc. You get the point. Is a "that would be great" out of the question? How about an "I would love that"? After the years, things get routine. A little excitement can be refreshing and contagious.

– Unenthusiastic

Perhaps your wife isn't suffering from a lack of enthusiasm, but rather a lack of adjectives. Fine is fine, but if I am having multiple orgasms, I am going to call that miraculous – or at the very least sensational. Fine implies a variety of feelings, one of which is simply "adequate." Adequate is an adjective that has never inspired anyone in any way ever. Okay wait, let me restate that. The only way the word "adequate" has ever inspired anyone is by inspiring their anger. If you doubt this, the next time your wife asks you how she looks in an item of clothing, respond with "adequate." I guarantee Nordstrom will be more exciting than you could have ever imagined.

That's why if you've been enthusiastically tongue pummeling someone's pink bean long enough to rack up multiple orgasms, "That was fine" is not the proper response. You deserve an "Attaboy!" at the very least. Ideally the recipient of your ministrations will enthuse with such force and conviction that passersby on the street will blush with embarrassment. "That was fine," however, falls well short of the mark.

And now, if you don't mind, I am going to get on my high horse and pontificate for a while – mainly because I can – about the meaning of life. I think we can all agree that about 90% (that's a random guess) of life is boring and uninspired. We put on our shoes, we empty the trash, we clip our toenails. Same ol', same ol'. Move along. Nothing to see here. However, the thing that keeps us from waking up some morning and fellating the business end of a shotgun is our ability to get fired up about really inane shit like ultimate Frisbee, or macramé, or restoring vintage motorcycles – all seemingly meaningless shit in a larger existential sense but they're absolutely crucial to our survival. Emotion, not variety, is the spice of life. As sentient beings, we get to choose what's important. Let your wife know what's important to you by conveying your excitement about it. If she doesn't share your enthusiasm, find someone who does.

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Luv Doc, Dan Hardick

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