The Luv Doc

Wherein the Luv Doc describes an act of deep, unsettling perversion

The Luv Doc

Dear Luv Doc,

A few weeks back I asked a woman I work with to go to a concert in San Antonio with me. The day before the concert, she said some friends of hers (a couple) were going to the same concert and wanted to carpool. I was reluctant to spend that amount of time with people I didn't know, but agreed anyway. It turned out to be a disaster. She ended up talking with her friends the whole time while I drove, and then after the concert they wanted to drive immediately back to Austin because they had a babysitter. I dropped them all off (she had met me at their house) and that was it. End of date. Not even a kiss. Am I wrong or was it really inconsiderate to ask her friends along on our date?

– Used

Let's start with the bad news: You failed the selfish asshole test. What you just described above is a tale of bitterness that has no basis in reality. This woman obviously thought enough of you to introduce you to her friends, and instead of taking the opportunity to get to know them better and perhaps ingratiate yourself, you chose to sulk about being left out of their reindeer games. Where did I leave my sad trombone? I know it's around here somewhere ....

What were you thinking? A trip to a concert in San Antonio was going to earn you a backseat hummer in the AT&T Center parking lot? That sir, is disgusting. Not the blow job – a blow job by definition is a pure and selfless act. However, anything that happens on AT&T property is (like the company itself) an act of deep, unsettling perversion – and I'm throwing the Spurs under that bus as well. There are some sponsorships you just don't take. Well ... unless you're the TaxSlayer Bowl, the GoDaddy Bowl, or Tostitos Fiesta Bowl ... whose board members' souls are already locked tightly in Satan's steamer trunk.

I think I can say with a high degree of confidence that the only thing that had a likelihood of getting blown on your San Antonio sojourn was your chances at another date with this woman. Think about that. All you had to do was not be a selfish dick for one night. All you had to do was keep an open mind and not let your expectations color your interpretation of events, but instead, you chose to put on your piss-colored glasses and play the part of Mr. Grumpy Pants.

Let me be perfectly clear: The evening you described sounds like a totally normal night with totally normal people – people with whom you have clearly not yet earned the privilege of sharing time. If for some reason this woman decides to go on another date with you – which would be a goddamned Christmas miracle – you need to take the advice of Captain Miller from Saving Private Ryan and earn this.

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KEYWORDS FOR THIS STORY

Luv Doc, Dan Hardick

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