Top 10 Reasons I'm Leaving the 'Chronicle'

1) The incentive package wasn't sweet enough. Throw in a fishing trip with Rick Perry to Bimini, and then it's a different story.

2) I got lost in a big-box power center and couldn't find my way out. I think it was called the Potlatch at Tech Ridge, but they all look the same.

3) The pointy thing on the new City Hall gives me nightmares.

4) Austin city government is way too clean! Give me some really scummy on-the-pad capos with multiple mistresses and nanny problems, and we'll talk.

5) Plastics.

6) I need to bail before Jennifer Gale actually wins something.

7) I wanted to start charging tolls to read my column, but there was public outrage.

8) Drawing all those multicolored election maps has played havoc with my eyesight.

9) See, there's this guy who used to have my job, and then he got a job with the city, but now he's leaving that job, and you know, maybe he'd like his old job back. Not naming names or nothing ...

10) I'm running out of room to store all my hats.