The Luv Doc: A Thin Mustache

Dear Luv Doc,

My husband has always been an unconventional guy, but as he's gotten older, he has become even more adventurous in how he dresses, styles his hair, etc. For the last few years he had shoulder-length hair. Before that he shaved his head for a long while. Most recently, he has been experimenting with facial hair ... first a full beard, then goatee, then a mustache which I didn't mind too much, but now he has shaved into a very thin, above-the-lip, John Waters-style mustache that totally creeps me out. I can barely look at him, much less feel attracted. I have been avoiding going out to dinner with him or places in public because I am so embarrassed. And yes, I have told him it isn't a look I prefer, but he can be very obstinate so I haven't pushed it. I would like you to weigh in on this because I am at my wit's end. How do I get him to shave it? I just spent two years hiding out in my house and I don't want to do that again.

– Mrs. Waters

Americans pride themselves on their rugged individualism and self-reliance, and yet we do surprisingly well in team sports and mob mentality. We don't really embrace mysterious loners as much as we like to pretend. The real truth of American culture is that the lone drifter who rode into town had a fairly decent chance of winding up in a shallow, unmarked grave just outside city limits. Exponentiate those odds if he walked in barefoot like Caine or bare-assed and feathered on the back of an Appaloosa. Maybe that was the reason Clint Eastwood's character in Sergio Leone's trilogy was simply called "The Man With No Name." I don't know if Sergio Leone had a soft spot for irony, but it sure seems like it.

Nowadays, Americans are a slightly more tolerant lot. For instance: In 2016 every goddamned state in the South elected a thrice-divorced, silver-spoon-fed, Yankee attention whore with no morals whatsoever. Now, I will grant that Southerners ... and Americans in general ... aren't exactly regarded as deep thinkers, but even for the most astute social scientists, Trump's election was, and continues to be, a bit of a head-scratcher. How could nearly half of America be such unrepentant chumps? I think it was simple. The chumps reached a critical mass. At the exact moment when America needed to rely on it's most well-promoted asset – the free-thinking, rugged individualists who couldn't be swayed by mob rule ... the Atticus Finches, the Jett Rinks, the Dagny Taggarts ... all seemed to fade into the woodwork – or even worse, put on MAGA hats and join the chants of, "Build that wall!" There were some notable and laudable exceptions, yes, but they were and continue to be excoriated by the mob of "rugged individualists" who elected the worst president in American history.

So, while I will stop short of calling your husband a hero, true iconoclasty in America is in woefully short supply. It takes a huge amount of bravery to wear a mustache that might earn you a savage beatdown just for hanging out near a playscape, and while I will admit that I, too, get a Snake Farm shudder when I encounter that type of mustache on anyone not actively engaged in swashbuckling, belting out "Tutti Frutti," or basically telling Scarlett O'Hara to go fuck herself, you have to admire the chutzpah. That is some serious Liberace gangster type shit. It's a mustache that says, "I give exactly zero fucks what you think." A thin mustache is the stained sweatpants of facial hair. If you're going to rock that look you better bring something else to the table. Something awe inspiring ... magnificent. At the very least the script for Hairspray.

All that said, marriage is a partnership. It demands a certain amount of compromise and communication to work effectively. I highly recommend that you communicate to your husband in very strong and specific language your dislike of his current facial hair choice. Let him know you are embarrassed to be seen in public with him and that while you encourage him to express his individuality, he needs to pick another fucking mustache because this one ain't moistening your minge. If he refuses, you're going to need to go to DEFCON 1 and Sharpie in your own pencil-thin mustache to match his. Yes, you will both look ridiculous, but at least when you're together in public people will know you're not taking it lying down.