The Luv Doc: Prissy Asses

Dear Luv Doc,
So … I'm watching Gunsmoke, you know that Western television show that lasted for 20 years. I think along with M*A*S*H, it is probably the two longest lasting shows in TV history. Anyway, so this chick shoots a guy in the ass with a shotgun because she's in love with him! Twenty years he doesn't give her a look! I'm like, bitch! just throw yourself down and give the dude a BJ already and you wouldn’t have to be arrested! My question to you, Luv Doc, is why are chicks these days (65 years later!) still "acting" prude? And if they are attracted to a dude, why don't they just go for it instead of wagging their prissy asses in the air?! In the good words of Grace Jones … ”take him!”
– Loving Grace

Far be it from the Luv Doc to come down on the side of gun violence, but if a woman has been in love with you for 20 years and you don’t acknowledge it in any way, you deserve to get shot in the ass. It may lack the acid trip genius of the “Hoss and the Leprechauns” episode of Bonanza, but that Gunsmoke you’re referring to illustrates an important lesson: Oblivion is particularly frustrating for those of us who are paying fucking attention.

It doesn’t take a lot of effort to occasionally pop your head up from whatever self-absorbed shit you’re doing and observe the world around you. The rest of us do it constantly. We’re weaving around the shopping cart you left diagonally in the middle of the aisle at H-E-B. We’re shutting the fuck up when someone else is trying to talk. We’re not taking the last slice. Why? Because we’re trying to empathize – just like I am trying to do with you, LG.

I feel your frustration that the female gender hasn’t progressed enough in the last 65 years to stop repressing their unspoken desire to give men unsolicited blow jobs as a token of their affection. You may not have ever heard a woman express that desire, but my bet is you can see it in their eyes – and that’s really fucking scary – almost as scary as that “wagging their prissy asses” comment.

Jesus fuck, dude, what rapey backwater did you slither out from? Rest assured, women know the power of the blow job, and that power is fleeting at best. They know that a shot in the ass is worth much more than a shot in the mouth. Fortunately for you, me, and men everywhere they are smart enough to exercise some restraint.