Hornography

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming out to our roast of University of Kansas head coach Charlie Weis. Charlie's a good guy and a great sport, which is a lot more than I can say about his Jayhawks squad. Now let's not get ahead of ourselves here because it's not like Texas is carrying the banner for the Big 12 either. The Longhorns have been banking on a win against Kansas this weekend, but I think we can all remember the last time a guy from Austin picked a fight with Charlie: It started with the Gulf of Tonkin resolution and wasn't exactly the cakewalk we planned for.

You have to respect this Charlie for his resilience, though. We're all about accountability here in Austin, and Weis was lucky to last one year around Lawrence. If you go 1-11 in Texas, you're not keeping your job unless your name is Rick Barnes or Greg Abbott. Weis is a guy who looks like he's seen the inside of a few buffets, which makes his 0-2 career record against Rice all the more puzzling.

To be fair, the guy boasts a pretty high graduation rate for someone who can't seem to matriculate a pot roast from one side of the table to another without snorting half the horseradish off it. He's graduated over 200 kids in his career. If you think that's impressive, you should see the number of Olive Garden plumbers he's put through schooling.

Weis is now 2-1 in his third year at Kansas, where he arrived in 2012 after a failed five-year marriage with Notre Dame that left the Fighting Irish on the hook for eight figures' worth of alimony payments. Some people get a golden parachute when they leave their job; Weis got a golden, dome-sized tarp. Charlie was so bad at ND that they honestly thought $18 million would prove a fair price to make him go away forever. That might be the going rate for the Catholic church to pay a plaintiff, but never a head coach.

Saturday should prove a good experience for this young Longhorns team, since taking a bus trip to KU is about as close as most people from Texas ever get to studying abroad. I'm not trying to say the Longhorns are going to win easily, but Kansas doesn't exactly have the best track record when it comes to inviting out-of-staters in to determine their fate.

The winner of this game takes over the Hornographically coveted seven slot in the Big 12 standings. Texas has a murderers' row coming up against Baylor and Oklahoma, so the Longhorns are going to try and fill up on comfort food before the execution.

If there's one guy who can identify with treating every meal like it's your last, it's Kansas head coach Charlie Weis.