Help Desk

:( Help!

About a year ago, I broke up with a boyfriend of six years. He'd become very much a part of my family, partially because his own family is such a mess. Long story short, I found out he was cheating on me. After some attempts to make it work, I decided to cut all ties and move on. I blocked him on Facebook, Instagram, etc. We've been incommunicado for nine months.

This year at Easter my mom asked if I'd heard about my ex's new job. Turns out both my parents have remained friends with him on social media, liking his posts and trading comments! When I asked my parents to unfriend him, they whined and said we're all adults now and they can be friends with whomever they please. I feel betrayed. Who's being unreasonable?

– Getting Over Douchebag Derailed by Autonomous Mom

We'll side with you, GODDAM, as your parents should have. Breaking up is hard to do. Often, it requires firm boundaries. It's up to you to determine those boundaries, and it's incumbent on those closest to you to uphold, not subvert, those boundaries.

Social media boundaries are no exception. A Facebook or Instagram friendship can seem like an innocuous way to keep tabs on someone without actually being in touch. However, as anyone who's been through a breakup since roughly 2006 knows, "keeping tabs" on an ex online can be a deeply toxic activity. It's not presumed that your parents will cut him out of their online circles just because you broke up with him, but if you specifically ask them to, they should oblige. Their place is on your team as you rebuild your life without him in it.

This sort of informal social media restraining order should not extend indefinitely. If your parents provided guidance and support for your ex during your long relationship, it's normal that they'll want to stay involved in his life somehow. And, hey, maybe something good could come out of it, especially if his own parents aren't really there for him. This goes deeper than them furtively liking pictures of his breakfast tacos when you think they should be holding a grudge on your behalf. Having supportive semiparental figures in his life could help him learn from his mistakes and be a better man to the next person he dates.

Do you owe that to him now? No. Your first responsibility is to keep your head together and make sure you're moving on in a positive direction. It's also important that he moves on and isn't tempted to use a bond with your parents as a back door to get to you. Nine months is not a lot of time in that regard.

Once you have your own house in order, consider loosening up. Recognize that, though it's well within your rights, there is something ungenerous in your demand. Try to make it a goal, as you recover from the breakup, to eventually get your grievances out of the way of other people's relationships, online and off.

:) HD