Everything I Need to Know About Drinking I Learned From Hollywood

"Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk." – Barfly

When we decided to do this booze-soaked special issue, I was a little concerned. What could a teetotaler possibly contribute to such a collection? Well, turns out there's something to be said for being able to remember a lot about the night before at the bar: I can tell you which of my friends should never run for public office, for example, but I can also explain a frightening amount about beer, wine, and liquor, thanks to dating a mixologist, living with a bartender, and associating with a few too many alcoholics.

But that's just the clinical knowledge. What about the culture of drinking? I like to think I've gotten it all figured out from watching TV and movies, but then again, I'm the kid who decided she'd learn to ski by reading a book and didn't understand why everyone was laughing when I ordered a Dr Pepper with a new phrase I'd learned – on the rocks – at age 6. What do you think? Did I get close?

1) Alcohol is "the cause of and solution to all of life's problems." – The Simpsons

2) Drink your feelings. – Lost in Translation

3) You're never too old to party. – Old School

4) Drinking at work is completely acceptable. – Mad Men

5) If you're "business drunk," you're good to drive. – 30 Rock

6a) Ordering something complicated makes you look classy. – Casino Royale

6b) The bartender can't hear you anyway. – Ocean's Eleven

7) White wine is lower in calories than red. – Bored to Death

8) When ordering Scotch, order something that starts with "Glen." – Swingers

9) IKEA furniture can only be assembled with the proper Scotch. – The Wire

10) You can drink Scotch all day and no one would know. – Seinfeld

11) "You would have to be an idiot of elephantine proportions not to appreciate this '61 Château Latour." – Ratatouille

12) If you have orange juice and vodka, you can be a good hostess. – Jackie Brown

13) All girls like Goldschläger. – Superbad

14) Cider tastes like pure, melted gold. – Fantastic Mr. Fox

15) The stuff with the skull on the label is the best. – The Legend of Drunken Master

16) The lyrics to "Bennie and the Jets" are vastly improved by a few shots. – 27 Dresses

17) You'll be judged by your friends in bars. – Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

18) In the South, it's OK to bring your baby to a bar. – Sweet Home Alabama

19) If you skip the big game for a drink with your future wife, people will always think you're crazy. – Good Will Hunting

20a) If you don't have anywhere else to go, there's always the bar. – The Apartment

20b) Sometimes, in fact, it's the only place left. – Shaun of the Dead

21) Tolerance is everything. – The Princess Bride