Eat Your Heart Out

Our video antidote to V-Day

Eat Your Heart Out

Admit it. You want to ring the little cherub's neck, chop off those oh-so-dainty winglets, and jam that bow right up Cupid's sorry airborne ass. Screw Valentine's Day -- your idea of a Hallmark moment right about now is watching the one who left your poor, misbegotten heart a smeary red stain on the tarmac o' love twist and shout in a vat of flaming howler monkeys while lampreys nuzzle at his/her/its nether regions.

But that's OK, because we've all been there (except for the lamprey part -- that's just wrong). And so to help you through the screeching black hell that is Feb. 14, oh single one, we've compiled a list of films for you to watch while you're crawling into that bottle of merlot that by all rights you should be sharing with that cad/harpy/walking emotional cluster bomb right about now. Not a stitch of normal Eros among 'em, either, so it's safe for you to take the fondue forks out of your eyes. Break open a trough of cookie-dough ice cream, and savor the heartache.

1. Addicted to Love. Director Griffin Dunne mines fertile, febrile territory in this unjustly overlooked anti-romantic comedy that casts Matthew Broderick as a broken-hearted stalker and Meg Ryan (sporting some alluring biker-chic) as an equally deranged castoff who enter into an uneasy alliance against their exes. If there's such a thing as "creepy frothiness" this film has it.

2. Nekromantik 2: The Loving Dead. Like Cyndi Lauper before him, Germany's Jörg Buttgereit knows that girls just want to have fun, and if that means banging a crusty dead guy with a broomstick for a penis, then so be it.

3. Little Shop of Horrors. Roger Corman's 1960 original is primo Bowery-black comedy to this day, and ultimately shows that even if you buy a girl flowers, you're still going to end up devoured by a giant, talking plant. Well, duh.

4. Boxing Helena. David Lynch's daughter Jennifer proves that she's a chip off the old pop as she directs Julian Sands de-limbing Sherilyn Fenn to keep his inamorata from playing hard to get (or the violin, or much of anything ever again). Edgy!

5. Rabid. David Cronenberg and Ivory Soap Girl-cum-Seventies-porn star Marilyn Chambers get to the heart of this whole Eros/Thanatos thing in a tale of venereal lovesickness that leads to nasty sex and -- oh baby! -- rampant cannibalism. Bon appétit!

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for almost 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

READ MORE
More Screens Reviews
SXSW Film
SXSW Film Reviews: 'Lunarcy!'
Daily Reviews and Interviews

Wayne Alan Brenner, March 15, 2013

SXSW Film
SXSW Film Reviews: 'The Punk Syndrome'
Daily Reviews and Interviews

Patrick Courtney, March 15, 2013

More by Marc Savlov
John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum
Welcome back, Mister Wick: Everyone's favorite merciless killer gets more human and more intriguing

May 17, 2019

Carmine Street Guitars
Spend time with the quiet artisans who make the instruments that rock & roll is built upon

May 10, 2019

KEYWORDS FOR THIS STORY

Rabid, Boxing Helena, Little Shop of Horrors, Addicted to Love, Nekromantik 2: The Loving Dead

MORE IN THE ARCHIVES
NEWSLETTERS
One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

Updates for SXSW 2019

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle