From Hollywood to Sporting Wood

Video Reviews

("Video Reviews" wishes to thank Encore Movies & Music, I Video, Vulcan Video, and Waterloo Video for their help in providing videos, laser discs, and DVDs.)

From Hollywood to Sporting Wood ... Remember back when pornography was evil? When only nasty little men who wore raincoats indoors saw the stuff, either by sneaking into a dark, sticky (That ain't buttered popcorn!) theatre with a bunch of other such pervs, or before that by sending in a few bucks to the address in the back of Rogue or Swank to get a cheap plastic projector and a flimsy three-minute-long 8mm reel of some lady wiggling and not even managing to get her undies all the way off. Now, porno is merely another of the many facets of pop culture: College students rent it for parties; couples watch it to inspire their own lovemaking (or so the radio commercials tell us anyway). Okay, that's all fine and good -- whatever floats your boat, as they say. But there's a subgenre of porn that defies all logic. It's a type of porn movie that, by its very nature, tends to draw one's attention away from rather than toward the carnal thrills that porn is all about. The subgenre in question is, of course, the porno Hollywood parody. They're hilarious in concept; take a currently popular or classic movie or television show, and use its settings and characters as the backdrop for a XXX feature. The earliest ones (Rambone, the softcore classic Flesh Gordon) were no doubt partially a response to the increasing role of sex in legitimate films during the Sixties and Seventies. Since then, however, it appears more likely that such sex epics as The Flintbones (previously reviewed in this column), E3: The Extra Testicle, and For Your Thighs Only were inspired by either simple boredom over at the "adult" film studios or in some cases, as a desperate way to provide gainful employment to willing but over-the-hill "stars." The real mystery about porno Hollywood knockoffs, however, is: Who the hell rents, or worse, buys these things? Do Anthony Burgess fans specifically request A Clockwork Orgy for their self-pleasuring activities? Are viewers of Lawrence of a Labia really expecting a cameo appearance from the late Alec Guinness? Has a dad ever actually brought home Pornocchio, Inspect Her Gadget, or even Mouse Cunt as a first adult "release" for his son who's entering puberty? Do devotees of the bard pore over the wordplay in A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream? Has anyone cried at the end of Schindler's Lust? Could even Albert Brooks himself imagine that Lust in America would have made it to the shelves? And how many people didn't pick up Edward Penishands 2 simply because they missed the first one and were afraid they'd have trouble catching up with the plot? (Actually, in the case of Penishands and many other such features, the "2" means that after the original feature was finished, the producers found out that one of their actresses was underage, so they had to recall the originals and shoot the whole film over again. If only Hollywood had the luxury of being able to do that once in a while!)

Naturally, the point of a XXX film is the sex, and often the knockoff porn features will have little or nothing to do with their namesakes beyond the title. The Sex Horror Picture Show, for instance, bears no resemblance to Rocky Horror whatsoever (though it does include a priceless scene with a black dwarf who can't achieve an erection and who, after being tossed aside by his two female companions, continues to fondle himself and swear in a thick French accent, "Beetches! I like thees much bettaire!"). There is also a Rocky Porno Video Show, but unfortunately it was not available for review at press time. Mind you, some of the XXX industry's parodies do have their moments, and occasionally are even quite inspired. Take Plan 69 From Outer Space, for example. Reportedly produced by the same studio (or what was left of it) that had released Orgy of the Dead, Ed Wood Jr.'s softcore sequel to his original "worst movie ever made" Plan 9 From Outer Space, this more recent Plan revels in its cheapness as a new crew of horny aliens set out to take over the earth, accompanied by lots of jokes about paper plate flying saucers and fine dialogue like this bit from the opening "cockpit" scene: "I'm afraid you're going down, Miss Honeypot!" "Don't you mean we're going down, Captain?" "No, I mean you're going down, Miss Honeypot!" Throw in an actor who's actually credited as "Zombie in Vampire Costume" who appears for no discernible reason and has to remove his plastic fangs before getting down to business with one of the film's heroines, and it's obvious these people were at least having fun on the job, despite the long, hard hours and hot, sweaty environment.

And finally, for any of you who are still confused what section Howard's End should be filed under, here's a partial list of other Hollywood-to-sporting-wood titles, mostly gleaned from the amazing list on the Web at It's impossible to verify that all of these are for real, but calls to local adult video havens confirmed a number of the most unbelievable ones: Airport 69, Ally McSqueal, American Hair Pie, Anal-ize This, Anus the Menace, All That Jizz, Ass Ventura, Ate Men Out, Beat the Cock, Beaver and Buttcheeks, Beaverjuice, The Big Sleazy, Boobarella, Bonfire of the Panties, Brassiere to Eternity, Broadcast Nudes, Chinny Chinny Gang Bang, CockTale, Coming on America, Crack Detective, Das Booty, Deeper Impacts, The Deer Humper, Easy Ride Her, Endless Lust, Erectnophobia, Face Jam, First Times at Cherry High, Flashpants, Forrest Hump, Frankenpenis (with John Wayne Bobbitt), Friday the 69, The gAy Team, Genital Hospital, Ghostbangers, Gilligan's Bi-Land, Gonad the Barbarian, Good Will Humping, Great Sexpectations, Guess Who Came at Dinner, Hannah Does Her Sisters, The Hills Have Thighs, I Know Who You Did Last Summer, Intercourse With the Vampire, Interview With a Vibrator, It's a Wonderful Sex Life, Jurassic Pork, King Dong, The Last Anal Hero, Little Shop of Whores, The Lust Boat, Lust in Space, The Man With the Golden Penis, Muffy the Vampire Layer, My Bare Lady, My Three Sluts, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Breast, On Golden Blonde, Pee-wee Sperming's Big Adventure, The Pink Lagoon, PocaHotAss, Porn on the Fourth of July, Pulp Friction, The Queer Hunter, Romancing the Bone, Rosemary's Beaver, Saturday Night Beaver, Sex Trek: The Next Penetration, Shaving Ryan's Privates, The Sex Family Robinson, The Sex Files, The Sexorcist, Shakespeare in Lust, Sinderella, Single White Nympho, The 69 Olympics With Mark Spits and Greg Largeanus, Snatch Adams, The Sperminator, Sperms of Endearment, Star Whores, Studsky and Snatch, 2069: A Space Orgy, The Slutty Professor, The T & A Team, The Texas Dildo Massacre, Threesomes Company, Throbbin' Hood, Top Buns, Total Reball, 21 Hump Street, Twin Cheeks, The Wadd Squad, A Wet Dream on Elm Street, When Harry Ate Sally, White Men Can't Hump, Whore of the Worlds, Willy Wonka and the Hershey Highway, and of course, You've Got Male!

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