Mask Instructions: Be Prince for a Night

Step One: Get Your Binders Out

Mask Instructions: Be Prince for a Night
Illustration by Guy Juke

At the Romney mansions, we usually leave these details to the gay decorators and the Latino housekeepers, but the campaign has its demands.

1) Call any of the subjects in your binder full of women to discuss their qualifications for doing this job for you.

2) Assuming they all turn you down, make a plan for how you're going to get the mask off the cover, but for god's sake, don't tell anyone what that plan is.

3) Tune in to Sesame Street to refresh your memory on how to properly and safely use scissors ... oh, wait.

4) Create a job offshore in Bangladesh for someone to cut out the mask along the dotted lines as indicated, at standard Bangladesh wage rates. Write the expense off (privately) on your income taxes. Never release those returns.

5) Have the mask placed in a binder and returned via nonunion mail services. Attach jeweled chains at either side. Hire a double to try it on and trigger any hidden booby traps.

6) Ignore all previous instructions, shake your Etch a Sketch, and move rapidly to the middle. Deny all previous instructions. Attack the mask-maker as one of the 47% of "takers not makers."

7) Head to some houses to trick-or-treat. No, really, either a trick or a treat will do. Maybe both. Don't worry about making up your mind.

READ MORE
More Halloween Mask
How to Assemble Your Armed White Male Mask
How to Assemble Your Armed White Male Mask
The new face of terror, no ammo necessary

Oct. 27, 2017

How to Assemble Your Donald Trump Mask
How to Assemble Your Donald Trump Mask

Richard Whittaker, Oct. 28, 2016

More by Michael King
Some Say the World Will End … in Ice
Council Wrap Dec. 7, 2017
City Council dodges the ice storm, and much of its agenda

Dec. 11, 2017

A Two-Horse Race
City Manager Search
Council selects finalists for city manager – public meeting Tuesday

Dec. 8, 2017

More by Monica Riese
A Paramount Slate
A Paramount Slate
Paramount and Stateside programming heats up

April 3, 2014

Board Games and More
Board Games and More
Announcements from the Austin Film Society

April 2, 2014

KEYWORDS FOR THIS STORY

Halloween Mask, Mitt Romney, 2012 election

MORE IN THE ARCHIVES
NEWSLETTERS
AC Daily, Events and Promotions, Luvdoc Answers

Breaking news, recommended events, and more

Official Chronicle events, promotions, and giveaways

Updates for SXSW 2017

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)