Mask Instructions

How to be Babs 'Marie Antoinette' Bush for Halloween

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Download in PDF format
(about 2MB)

1) Wake up refreshed, despite your touch of rheumatism, and apply talcum powder all over your wrinkly (but well-preserved) body with that gorgeous chinchilla puff the twins gave you, those darling little angels. If you absolutely must indulge in your morning Ensure, please, do so in the pantry. Canned breakfast shakes are a bit common, wouldn't you agree?

2) Cut Poppy's breakfast ham into small enough bites so he won't choke. This can be a bit of a chore – but never, ever allow the help to do this. One must remain intimate with one's partner in order for him to rely upon you sufficiently.

3) Call the boys. Tell them what good jobs they're doing! Positive reinforcement goes a long way. Always appear optimistic, even in the face of dire circumstances.

4) As you pass by some unsavory characters in the Montrose on the way to lunch on the West Side, tell your driver to roll up the windows and lock the doors. Make a mental note to have the poor people who inhabit that awful intersection eliminated. In fact, ask your driver to get you a detailed map of your daily routes so you can have them all dealt with at once. Suggest having the streets of the Montrose – and several in those oh-so-passé wards – turned into canals! Canals would be a wonderful way to clean up the streets! And, with only a certain number of gondolas issued, at a certain price, it would be a practical way to deal with vagrants and loiterers. Sink or swim, we always say!

5) Get your hair dried and set.

6) Return home to OK the candy bowl the maid has prepared for the orphanage: candy corn, apples with razors, Mary Janes. Just like mother used to offer! Feel satisfied! You've done well. This Halloween is going to be the best one those sorry little creatures will have had. Or ever have.

7) Oh, wipe your tears, you stupid baby, you sentimental old hag, and stop admiring your throat as though something might happen to it. Those kids will have other Halloweens, all right, probably in prison. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps! Get yourself together! You're all you've got in this world! Remember that! You're all you've got!

8) Finally, speaking of masks – this is only one of many to come. Remember: Your whole life is a mask! In the immortal words of Don Corleone: Never let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking!

9) Oh, yes – have a servant punch a hole on each side of the mask and run a string through each hole. Do not attach to face with glue. Be careful not to slash your throat

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