That Funky Water ...

The city says the water is just fine, but we're not certain

That Funky Water ...
Illustration By Doug Potter


More than two weeks into an activated-carbon treatment program, some city of Austin water still tastes nasty. If you recall, it was right around Election Day that the distinctive flavor of mold and metal appeared, which means it's about time we consider the possibility that the city is treating the wrong problem. After all, how do we know for sure that it was a blue-green algae bloom that's infected the water? What if it was something else entirely?

Something like:

1) A great wave of Democratic bile, washing through the Travis Co. plumbing.

2) After the Election Day coup de grace, Tom DeLay knelt by the shores of Town Lake to wash the blood from his long and powerful sword: Smiggelthorth, the District-Cleaver.

3) We can't tell you, but it has something to do with trolls.

4) Runoff from all the mud thrown around in the District 48 state House race.

5) You don't taste anything. If, for some reason, you believe you taste something, you should immediately call the Department of Homeland Security and give them your full name, Social Security number, and whereabouts during the last 10 years.

6) We have no idea. Now, go buy a city of Austin rainwater collection barrel. And some Ozarka.

7) You know how they put fluoride in the water to help prevent cavities? It's kind of like that: just a harmless chemical that helps prevent gayness.

8) German U-boats. Piloted by gay trolls.

9) Mind-control drugs that prey upon the bodily fluids of politicians who support toll roads.

10) A sickly, ugly, dirty taste? Honey, this is nothing compared to what you'll get once they start flushing 50 years of social policy.

For its part, the city is not investigating alternate scenarios, and officials insist they're already seeing lower levels of algae. "I think we're on the improvement end of this," said Laurie Lentz of the Water Utility Board. She added that the cold weather would probably help speed the algae's demise. "We're just waiting for Mother Nature to help us out a little."

Yeah, that's the ticket – Mother Nature.

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KEYWORDS FOR THIS STORY

satire, CoA water, algae, Tom DeLay, toll roads

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