My Deep Political Insights

* First, Phil Gramm was coming. Then he wasn't. Then he would come via satellite. Then he was late. When his grinning image finally popped up on the big screen, I still wasn't sure he had come; I thought he was a Muppet stand-in... or Yoda. Cindy, with her zoo background, initially thought he was a hamster.

* Somebody Velcro-ed Forbes' torso to the wall. Then they inserted a closed loop tape in his head that said "monstrous tax code, hideous tax code, burdensome tax-code, flat tax flat tax flat tax." He ought to buy better handlers and better speech writers.

* If you want to be vice president, you have to emphasize your points with your hands, most frequently in a gesture that looks like you're shaking an imaginary eight ball. You can vary this slightly by pointing your right index finger at nothing in particular. -S.B.