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Illustration By Nathan Jensen

Aisle Be There

Snoop Dogg's impending line of foot-long hot dogs, announced last month – "Long and skinny, just like Snoop," his brother told the Boston Herald – opens up broad new avenues of celebrity branding possibilities. A glimpse inside the Whole Foods of the future:

BRITNEY PICKLE SPEARS: Handy for third-trimester midnight cravings

GREEN DAY GREEN VEGETABLES: Helps American idiots grow strong from eating Bush-detested broccoli

WILCO WHEAT GERM: Relieves stress caused by migraines, constantly auditioning new band members

DIXIE CHICKS WHOLE FRYERS: Dick Cheney won't go near 'em

COLDPLAY COLD CUTS: Sensitively sliced turkey, ham, and bologna, made with 100% tofu and fair-trade practices

LIL' FLIP'S GRAIN GRIPPIN' GRIDDLE: Dash-mounted device cooks pancakes right in the turnin' lane

MICROWAVE POPKORN: Just add hot air.

PETE DOHERTY POWDERED SUGAR: Looks, tastes exactly like cocaine. One endorsement the bad-boy Brit's embattled girlfriend Kate Moss had no problem keeping.

HOLD STEADY HEADACHE POWDERS: For help with hangovers, lingering Catholic guilt, both

ARCADE FIRE BALLS: Hard candy that tastes like a funeral

FIERY FURNACES HOT SAUCE: Inflames mouths, latent sibling sexual tension

NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL 2%: Won't go bad in the airplane over the sea

WHITE STRIPES STRAWBERRIES & CREAM: Scrumptious dessert goes better with Coke

IRON & WINE MERLOT: One bottle brings out the bearded balladeer in you.

BUN B STICKY BUNS: With purple codeine glaze and "Free Pimp C" file inside

  • More of the Story

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    Praying for Daniel Johnston, marveling at Townes Van Zandt, and wondering 'what hath Snoop Dogg wrought'?

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Christopher Gray, June 29, 2007

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