The Luv Doc

The Luv Doc

Idiot Texters

Idiot Texters
I just moved to Austin seven months ago from Katy. I thought Houston traffic was bad, but Austin traffic is ridiculous. Every time I try to get somewhere, there is either a construction detour or a festival or some other event that’s blocking traffic. The worst is people swerving into me while they are texting. I can’t tell you how many times I have nearly been run off the road by some idiot trying to text. This city has a smoking ban; why doesn’t it have a texting ban?
- Sherman

Bad news Sherman: As far as traffic goes, this is the low season. In a couple of weeks SXSW will start. That means the city of Austin will initiate a whole slew of road/utility projects in the downtown area that will require the narrowing/blocking off of most passable thoroughfares. Mix in SXSW street closures, parking lot day party pedestrian overflow, whorishly sign-wrapped utility vehicles parked at odd angles to maximize visibility, and the odd four-story Doritos Extreme® tower of wasteful marketing excess and you have yourself a traffic flow situation that closely resembles Elvis' colon on the morning of August 16, 1977.

Insider’s tip: Ditch the car and walk. That doesn’t mean people won’t swerve into you while texting; it just makes it a much less dangerous situation. In fact, during SXSW people are constantly texting – often in the middle of a conversation with someone right in front of them. I could explain this phenomenon to you, Sherman, but you might need a degree in Music Marketing from UTSA to understand it. … And yes, that really is a degree at UTSA. It’s probably taught by a guy who used to be a booker at Headhunters.

The important thing to remember is that when you see someone dressed in skinny jeans and an ironic T-shirt wander aimlessly into oncoming traffic on Congress Avenue, it doesn’t mean he’s a fucking idiot. It probably just means he’s responding to a hilarious comment on the photo he posted on Facebook of the gristly street fajita he had for dinner.

So why doesn’t Austin have a ban on texting? Here’s why: Because we would rather be silenced by the grim reaper than by The Man. And yes, there will undoubtedly be occasions when we will have to scrape a preschooler off the brush guard of a King Ranch Expedition because … well …. LOLcats … but at least our First Amendment rights won’t be abridged by the safety Nazis. So, my advice to you is to stay paranoid and drive a shittier car.

Need some advice from the Luv Doc? Send your questions to the Luv Doc, or check out the Luv Doc Archive.

AC Daily, Events and Promotions, Luvdoc Answers

Breaking news, recommended events, and more

Official Chronicle events, promotions, and giveaways

Updates for SXSW 2017

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)