The Luv Doc

Dear LuvDoc,
Why are crazy people allowed to buy assault weapons in America? Is it because Americans are crazy, or is it because they’re just stupid?
- Donal

Here in America, Donal, we have a little thing called the Second Amendment. It says that because a well-regulated militia is necessary to the security of a free state, the government is not allowed to infringe on our right to keep and bear arms. Admittedly, that little line of somewhat arcane and vague prose has bitten Americans on the ass more than a few times. It’s sort of the Leviticus of the American Bill of Rights: A touchstone for gun owners which, at its heart, is completely outdated. No matter what the Red Dawn trailer would have you believe, we’re far beyond the era when a well-regulated militia – or for that matter even a poorly regulated militia – can provide our security. A bunch of Jethros with squirrel guns – or for that matter Bushmaster .223s – aren’t going to do much damage against a helicopter gunship or a cruise missile. We might like to believe a plucky band of resistance fighters would be a match for modern military armaments, but it’s a myth – just like Luke Skywalker dropping a proton torpedo into the exhaust vent of the Death Star. Come on Lucas … we’re not fucking idiots. So really, using the well-regulated militia clause as a defense of gun ownership is a big crock of shit. If we were really counting on militias to provide our security, we would at least get them bazookas or Stinger missiles or a GED – and if you think a lone gunman can do some damage with a Bushmaster .223, imagine what he could do with a bazooka. That is exactly why we don’t allow people to purchase bazookas – because even though most bazooka owners might be completely sane, safe, law-abiding citizens, the chance that one of them won’t be is enough incentive to ban bazookas entirely. And really – who wouldn’t want to go hunting with a bazooka? Think about the time it would save in field dressing alone. Of course, the same could be said of the Bushmaster .223. It may not have the shock and awe of a bazooka, but it’s also a portable, lightweight, and highly efficient killing machine. Yes, it’s fun for target practice, but so is a bazooka. You have to draw the line somewhere, and for decades Americans have been content to let that line be drawn by the gun lobby. Does that make us stupid or crazy? I’d say it’s a little of both.