The Luv Doc

Dear Luv Doc,
My brother is coming to Austin at the end of the month with his wife and three kids (grade-school age). Any ideas on things we can do/places we can go?
– Tom

Tom, don’t fuck around taking them to Barton Springs or to ride the Zilker choo-choo. Barton Springs is so cold you will feel your balls scamper up to the back of your throat when you dive in, and the Zilker choo-choo is only entertaining until you figure out about 30 seconds into the ride that A) You could get out and walk faster; B) even though the train seems to be moving, there is somehow no breeze and it’s oppressively hot; C) the leg room is about as ample as the backseat of a clown car; and D) you will be stared at for the entire journey by an unsupervised, fat-headed toddler waving around a rapidly melting chocolate ice cream cone who looks like he spent the entire day rolling in dirt – dirt that is exquisitely interwoven in a massive rivulet of snot dripping from his nose – a giant, green glacier of slowly oozing bacteria that miraculously survives his occasional snorting arm swipes, a glistening emblem of gross and perhaps even criminally negligent parental disregard. Why do that to yourself and your guests? Just because your brother decided to use the pull-and-pray method of birth control doesn’t mean you have to suffer through the mind-numbing hell of child-oriented places and activities. For aeons, child rearing was just a begrudging afterthought, and somehow humanity managed to march forward. Remus and Romulus were raised by wolves, for Christ’s sake, and they have a city named after them … well, the one that wasn’t killed does. Therefore, when your bro gets here, take him and his immediately to the Jackalope. Go in the early evening so they get to walk past scary homeless people and drug dealers. The kids will love playing on the huge fiberglass jackalope by the door – at least long enough for you to knock back a few brewskis. Here’s a dirty little secret: In Texas, it’s legal to take your kids into bars. However, it’s not legal to take other people’s kids into bars (and it’s also kind of creepy) so just make sure your brother or his wife are in sight at all times, and get your drizzy on, yo. If they get bored at the Jackalope, the stuffed bear over at Mohawk will scare the shit out of them even if the bear bartenders don’t.