My Political Platform

RECEIVED Mon., April 28, 2008

Dearest Editor,
    Well, we're finally here. After seven long years of buildup and waiting, we're finally going to do what we've been planning for the entire length of the Bush administration. We're going to go bankrupt.
    What's that you say? You weren't planning on bankruptcy?
    Well, actions speak louder than words, my friends.
    As sure as we may have all been that we could remain solvent despite exponential increases in spending and consequent lowering of revenues (tax cuts), the simple arithmetic is back to bite us in the ass. You simply can't spend millions of dollars per minute blowing things up in the desert without paying for it. And pay for it we shall.
    So America is essentially bankrupt. That "economic stimulus" check we're all going to get soon? It's just made-up, printed money. It makes every other dollar in your wallet less valuable.
    Besides, Band-Aids can't patch up levees.
    American families are having their utilities shut off. Their mortgages are going sour. Consumer spending is finally dropping, but not before leaving a mountain of bad debt in its wake. The glossed-over news reports on our "slowing economy" are a bunch of hogwash. The plane is falling from the sky, and we still have a drunken cowboy at the helm.
    Politically, we can demand that our legislators refuse to fund the war any further. There is simply no other way to stop this disastrous war than to cut off the funds. Luckily, this should be easy, as there is no money left! If our elected officials refuse this obvious, easy step, then we should refuse to pay taxes. I know it seems extreme, but it will be far easier when you realize that you have no money to pay said taxes a year from now.
    In terms of community, start growing a veggie garden, organize a neighborhood day care, get to know your neighbors, and bind together and take care of each other, because in the coming crisis, all we will have is our ingenuity and brotherhood to keep us alive. Take responsibility for yourself, reduce your consumption, and start producing something, anything. Just make yourself useful in some way, or we are all fucked.
    During the general election this November, Americans in the Northeast will be freezing to death, unable to purchase heating oil. The dollar will be spiraling ever downward. Gas at $4.80 a gallon. Food shortages will be commonplace. We'll probably be gearing up for an even more costly war with Iran.
    That's why my entire congregation and I are voting for the candidate that is opposed to gay marriage. Seriously, the gays want to marry. And only we can stop them. That's called "values,” something you heathens wouldn't know anything about.
See you in hell,
Mike "Dub" Wainwright
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