Envision South Austin

RECEIVED Mon., Dec. 8, 2003

Before we get too stacking high from Envision Central Texas, I wanted to share my (cough, cough) Envision South Austin plan. Super Wal-Mart at Ben White anchors my plan with a green rooftop for cultivating hemp. Now, that's Smart Growth!
   We'll reclassify Wal-Mart's unemployed illegal alien floor cleaners as farm workers to harvest our crop, part-time. Runoff from the parking lot will funnel into a giant bong. These big-box bongwaters will percolate across Travis Heights to recharge Blunn Creek. Residents can recycle their yard signs to read "Americans for Peace Pipe."
   Developers will use hemp to construct solar powered windmills atop each South Congress Avenue merchant. We'll enclose each windmill tower to create affordable store-top housing. The fab, formerly known as Motorola, will produce solar panels for these windmills which will blow any secondhand smoke from the bars toward East Austin. Excess energy generated by our solar powered windmills will power light rail down South Congress.
   At night, Riverside Hooters girls and customers can take light rail to the half-naked truth at Expos√© then board the 2am train to the Show Palace for the naked truth. Now who's for light rail? On nippy nights, the girls can cross Ben White to spend their hard-earned booty on sweaters at the 24-hour Wal-Mart Supercenter before boarding the train back home to the rooftop windmill housing.
   Like you, I'm weary of the fussing and fighting by us diverse stakeholders. My Envision South Austin plan will do wonders to bring us together with a livable, sustainable, and affordable neighborhood for all. In fact, the light rail plan alone may present a sporting opportunity for me to entrust my stake in someone else's hands.
Wes Benedict
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