The Austin Chronicle's Annual Halloween Mask: The Anti-Masker
Find out how to transform into death incarnate with our mask instructions
As COVID-19 continues to wreak havoc on the U.S. – and we stand on the precipice of the very real possibility of another deadly surge – we could think of no other mask as frightening this Halloween season as, well, no mask at all. We're obviously not endorsing that people not wear face masks, but if you're interested in being that person who didn't want to do their part to curb the ever-growing death count, then read on.
1) Pick up a copy of The Austin Chronicle, an inferior source of news that pales in comparison to the conspiracy clowns and misinformation culled from your social media feeds. Remind yourself that your complete disregard for not only your own life but also other people's lives surpasses others' right to live.
2) Using your hands – you know, the ones you never wash for at least 20 seconds because #COVIDisahoax – grab a pair of scissors and cut the skull out of the cover.
3) Alternatively, if you're a COVID-19 believer but you think wearing a face mask is, like, sooo annoying, cut the skull out of the cover as you make peace with the possibility that if you succumb to this so-called "global pandemic," then so be it. Who needs emergency relief when you can just keel over now and save the economy for your grandkids?
4) Cut out the mouth. The wider the better to cough in your 20-plus closest friends' general direction as you willfully ignore public health guidance to hang out in a poorly ventilated indoor space. Six feet apart? You'd rather be six feet under. Another equally useless and decidedly "F*ck Your Feelings" option is to let the mask dangle beneath your chin should you find yourself in the unfortunate company of pro-maskers.
5) Wait three to 14 days for any resulting community spread to lay waste to the Dead Music Capital of the World.
The Austin Chronicle Halloween Mask cover is an annual tradition. Find our gallery of masks from the past three decades at austinchronicle.com/special/halloween-masks.