How to Assemble Your Brett Kavanaugh Mask
Start by trampling on someone’s rights
We love Halloween in Bethesda, where all the girls dress up as princesses and the boys put on blackface. I like to stay a few feet behind the trick-or-treaters in my Dockers, smoking a cigar alongside Tobin and PJ as we laugh and laugh about the houses we used to egg.
Heavenly Father, I cannot believe that I'm a mask. This rules! I rule. That's a joke, I'm a Supreme Court justice – did you hear? It's my world now. Brett Kavanaughs for one and all!
1) Get yourself a copy of The Austin Chronicle. Yes, that's the liberal media, the type of rag that won't exist in a few years when I finally get to rule SLAPP lawsuits unconstitutional.
2) Grab a knife. We prefer Cutco in the Kavanaugh household. Cutco: the blandest blade. Okay now, cut around the edges, keeping the chin nice and round. If you need something to help preserve that blowed-out coif, we recommend a mixing bowl.
3) Get something sharp to cut out the eyeholes. Maybe a coat hanger? Gonna be a lot more of those around now that I'm wearing the big black robe.
4) Now set the mask up onto your face. Press it real tight, so that very little air can get into your lungs. That'll help you scream and cry at the same time.
5) Last task: Getting those stress lines to show up. What, you think this is easy? You think ruling against your rights is easy? That I just wake up every day and think nothing of the workers, the women, the immigrants – your health care? Heck no! Citizens, I am acutely aware of the pain I will cause you. Why do you think those lines wrinkle up around my eyes when I get mad?
6) Grab some string and loop it around the ears, then yank it tight behind the back of your head. Then grab another piece of string and tie one end to the chin; take the other and latch it onto your belt buckle. That'll give you a real tight face – something real insecure and tough. The kind of face that'll set society back 60 years.
The Austin Chronicle Halloween Mask cover is an annual tradition. See our gallery of masks from the past three decades.