How to Assemble Your Donald Trump Mask

Illustration by Roy Tompkins

Scene: Trump Tower, nightfall, the Republican nominee for president's Midtown Manhattan corner office. A tired and defeated Trump slouches into his plush red executive chair and checks the messages on his phone.

"Donald? It's Paul Ryan. Look, I know things aren't looking too bright right now, but at least it's Halloween. Candy, right? Okay. Look, I know a lot of people won't want you at their house trick-or-treating ... or campaigning ... or at all ... but you'll be more welcome in this mask.

"Now, I know you wanted to dress like Pepe the Frog. Pepe isn't cool, okay? And I don't care what David Duke told you: That's not a ghost hood he sent over. Leave that cloak at home.

"OK, so here's what you want to do.

1) Get someone to grab you a copy of the Chronicle. Maybe a contractor, so you don't even have to pay them.

2) Pull off the front cover. You can rip up the rest; take out some of that anger about the biased media you've been bottling.

3) If you want to make the mask a little stronger, glue it to some cardboard. Just ... don't sniff around it. That's a bad look for us, Donald. If you don't have any cardboard, just use one of those FedEx envelopes you keep receiving from the courts.

4) Get some scissors. No, wait, don't you get the scissors. Get one of your kids to get the scissors.

5) Now, Donny, let your kids cut around the mask. Tell them to be careful around the hairline: It's huge. Make sure to cut out the eye holes, just like David Duke taught you.

6) Okay, we're nearly done. Get some string and tie it around the back so it'll stay propped on your head. Don't worry, it won't crush your hair. Let's be honest, nothing can.

Now put the mask on. Keep that sucker on through November 8. And don't forget, no matter how hideous it looks, it's still putting a better face on your campaign than the one you brought yourself. Talk later."

The Austin Chronicle Halloween Cover Mask is an annual tradition. See our gallery of covers going back to 1999.

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for almost 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

More Halloween Mask
How to Assemble Your Armed White Male Mask
How to Assemble Your Armed White Male Mask
The new face of terror, no ammo necessary

Oct. 27, 2017

Mask Instructions: Be Prince for a Night
Mask Instructions: Be Prince for a Night
Step One: Get Your Binders Out

Michael King, Oct. 26, 2012

More by Richard Whittaker
The Mystery of the Pink Flamingo
The film about flamingos that is definitely not about flamingos

Dec. 4, 2020

Insert Coin
How Midway Games dominated the arcade business

Dec. 4, 2020

More by Chase Hoffberger
Revisiting the Railroad Killer
Revisiting the Railroad Killer
Local journo Alex Hannaford’s Dead Man Talking podcast investigates the case against a man on death row

Nov. 16, 2018

EMS Union Set for Leadership Contest
EMS Union Set for Leadership Contest
Association to cast ballot between incumbent Tony Marquardt or challenger Selena Xie

Nov. 16, 2018


Halloween Mask, Donald Trump, Paul Ryan

One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

New recipes and food news delivered Mondays

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle