Hot Sweltering Summer Sex Vignettes

Erica Barnett tells a cautionary tale about a dog, a condom, and her mother.

Doggy Style

This is the story of a dog, a condom, my mother, and me. Oh, yeah ... and a teenage boy. This is a story about sex. More specifically, it's the story of how I got caught.

Let's leave aside a few pesky details, such as my age at the time (way too young) and the name of the young gentleman in question (though God knows he's gotten enough mileage out of this story over the years; there are actually people out there who remember nothing about me except this story). Suffice it to say that we were two teenagers, doing what every parent hopes their teenage child will never do. And as teenagers often do, we thought we had planned everything perfectly: the timing, the alibis, even the disposal of the evidence.

Did I mention we had a dog? He's much older (and noticeably more sedate) today, but at the time, Ozzy was a frisky, curious puppy. Like a lot of mutts, Ozzy was (and still is) a sweet dog, dumb as dirt, and into everything. Dirt clods, toilets, trash cans, you name it. Wherever you were, there he was.

We did not get along.

Here's a tip: Unless you're trying to get caught, never give a grinning, post-orgasmic teenage boy any responsibility for anything. Given the slightest opportunity, he will do something stupid and give the whole thing away. Like, for example, throwing the condom on top of the bathroom trash: not smart. Especially if there's a snoopy dog running around looking for other people's business to poke his nose into.

So here's how it happened: No sooner had my mom gotten home than Ozzy (grinning, no doubt, from ear to ear) made a beeline for the bathroom, rooted about, and came trotting out proudly, bearing a most curious object in his mouth.

Did he report to the condom's rightful owner?

Do you really have to ask?

Ozzy couldn't have known it at the time, but thanks to him, my teenage life would never be the same.

It took me years to forgive that dog, but I finally did: the very first time I was able to tell the story and grin rather than shudder at the memory. As for my mom, she's forgiven me, but she still insists Ozzy is the best dog a parent could ever have.

  • Hot Sweltering Summer Sex Vignettes

  • thebelljar.net/scene1

    Author and semi-regular Chronicle contributor Spike Gillespie (All the Wrong Men and One Perfect Boy) has been working on a new novel called thebelljar.net, about the high-tech nightmare that Austin has become. In it, our heroine, Alice, takes on a job as "the world's oldest high tech intern" to escape her former career in food service. At her new company, The Universe, she is in charge of making coffee and copies and building an in-house Web site to act as a style guide for her higher-ups. Her self-appointed position is to keep high the morale of one of the programmers (aka moles) whom she decides is fuckable (she's naive).

    Coming & Going

    Brenner contemplates the going and coming of oral gratification.

    Burping the Worm

    Stuart Prestidge explores the sex act through the filter of modern slang.
  • Drive-In Porno Memories

    Love Clinic

    Those Fugs: Sharing Dreams, Building Memories

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for almost 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

More by Erica C. Barnett
The Work Matters
The Work Matters
A look back at some of our most impactful reporting

Sept. 3, 2021

<i>Quitter: A Memoir of Drinking, Relapse, and Recovery</i> – an Excerpt
Quitter: A Memoir of Drinking, Relapse, and Recovery – an Excerpt
In this chapter from her book, Erica C. Barnett describes the point when her life became a shrinking circle

July 10, 2020


sex, fuck, suck, cunt, dick, lezzies, homos, gay, penis, vagina, pussy, blowjob, cock, dog, doggy, doggy style, condom, Ozzy, mutts

One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

Eric Goodman's Austin FC column, other soccer news

Behind the scenes at The Austin Chronicle

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle