Features

Ten Ways to Entertain Yourself Home Alone on New Year's Eve

1. Suck nitrous out of whipped cream cans and yell, "Happpp Peeeee Newwwww Yeeeeeeeear!" until you faint.

2. Find mates for all your single socks. Fail to see the irony.

3. Ponder the psychedelic maze of your PC's automatic screensaver. Cheer wildly when you see the rat. (For Mac users: Stare at your 3-D Screensaver. Cheer wildly when you detect the row of dolphins.)

4. Using hand-puppets, re-enact pivotal scenes from the movie The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies. (see "Waiting for Sockot" p.32)

5. Follow your dog around the house, mimicking its every move. When it complains, follow the cat.

6. Ignite your own flatulence, or make "mouth torches" with a Bic lighter and a party bottle of 151. (Do this outside and in the presence of grownups.)

7. Figure out just which six people stand between you and Kevin Bacon.

8. Make prank calls, but don't be disappointed to learn that no one else will be home, and if they are, they will probably welcome the company.

9. Forget the advice of those pesky Gloomy Guses, and test all of your utilities at midnight: Pick up the phone, flush the toilet, and turn on every light in the house. It's your right as a taxpaying American.

10. Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Examples?

  • More of the Story

  • Party of One

    Welcome to the Chronicle's guide to a New Year's home alone, loser.

    The Loser's Night Before New Year

    Your Worthless Self

    An Austin Chronicle book review of You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day by Dr. Oswald T. Pratt & Dr. Scott Dikkers

    We are Waiting for Sockot

    Theatre Editor Robert Faires offers this hand-warming way to ring in the New Year.

    New Year's Video Reviews

    The Chronicle picks some great video titles for New Year's Eve.
  • Music to Wallow By

    Wayne Alan Brenner's list for maudlin millennium-toasting listening displeasure is sure to send you flinging yourself off of Leonard Cohen's "Tower of Song."

    I Eat Alone

    Eating alone this New Year's? Do it in style: Convenience-food epicurean Greg Beets warms your holiday cockles with some tasty ideas for your millennial throwdown.

    Yum2K Recipes for One

    Y2Klean!

    Follow Lorne Opler on his New Year's quest to make his laundry A-okay for A2K!

    Where the Suds Are

A note to readers: Bold and uncensored, The Austin Chronicle has been Austin’s independent news source for almost 40 years, expressing the community’s political and environmental concerns and supporting its active cultural scene. Now more than ever, we need your support to continue supplying Austin with independent, free press. If real news is important to you, please consider making a donation of $5, $10 or whatever you can afford, to help keep our journalism on stands.

Support the Chronicle  

NEWSLETTERS
One click gets you all the newsletters listed below

Breaking news, arts coverage, and daily events

Can't keep up with happenings around town? We can help.

Austin's queerest news and events

New recipes and food news delivered Mondays

All questions answered (satisfaction not guaranteed)

Information is power. Support the free press, so we can support Austin.   Support the Chronicle