80 for Brady

Full disclosure: I dislike the Patriots and I like Tom Brady even less. There. I said it. I would take up too much of this review’s space trying to explain why so IYKYK. 80 for Brady is apparently based on a true story that Brady (a producer) wanted to highlight. Otherwise, I mean, this would come off like some sort of masturbatory exercise in mediocrity.

Wait, it does anyway.

Lou (Tomlin) is a cancer survivor who made it through her treatments with the help of her friends and the New England Patriots. Well, her squad thought Tom Brady was hot and just kept on following him and the team throughout his career. Lou’s squad includes Betty (Field), a retired MIT professor who is a fan of stats and spicy food. Maura (Moreno) is a widow who has a house but also lives in her late husband’s apartment at a retirement resort. Don’t ask. And then there’s Trish (Fonda), a former local model-turned-Gronkowski erotica author. Brady is retiring (the first time) and Lou feels like the group should travel to the Super Bowl to see him play one last game. Hilarity ensues. Okay, no, it actually doesn’t.

These four women have so many acting accolades between them, to see them end up in dreck like this is just sad. They are better than this movie by a mile and I wish I could see them in a film worthy of their talent, ’cause this ain’t it. It’s not funny, it’s too long, and I had so many questions that were not answered by the end of the film. I would say maybe your Nan might like it but, even then, unless she’s a Patriots fan, she might be better off watching anything else.

A special shout-out to Glynn Turman as Mickey, a retirement home friend of Maura’s who would like to be more than just that. He is a bright spot in this otherwise dim film. This is for Patriots/Brady fans only. And even then …

Although, honestly, I can’t think of a better legacy for Brady to go out on (again) than this movie. Chef’s kiss.