Fake Press Conferences Concerning Texas Football: Dec. 1, 2014
Jerry Jones is going bowling
By Eric Sollenberger,
11:00AM, Mon. Dec. 1, 2014
Texas Christian spoiled the Longhorns’ Thanksgiving Thursday night, defeating the Burnt Orange 48-10. The result wasn’t unexpected, though the final score made proceedings somewhat of an embarrassment.
Tyrone Swoopes had a poor showing against a solid TCU defense, throwing for a season-high four interceptions and dropping a fumble that was returned for a touchdown in the first quarter. Perhaps the biggest disappointment was the failure to get the ground game going. Texas’ formula for winning this year has been through pounding the ball with Malcolm Brown and Johnathan Gray, yet Brown finished with 29 yards on 10 carries and Gray managed zero yards on 11 attempts.
Defensively, Texas’ cornerbacks struggled with defending TCU’s tall wideouts in the end zone. While the dynamic defensive duo of DE Malcom Brown and Cedric Reed flashed their undeniable talent at times, TCU’s running game was able to operate efficiently enough to open up the big plays downfield.
TCU will likely slide into the No. 4 position in the college football playoff rankings as the conferences prepare to play their championship games (something that doesn’t happen in the Big 12), though a Big 10 championship for Ohio State could result in the Buckeyes’ leapfrogging the Horned Frogs in the national standings.
Texas closes out its regular season with expectations for a bowl game that can only be equaled by the understanding that their invitation won’t be a prestigious one. They looked terrible on Thursday, but so did the rest of the state’s football squads. Over in College Station, the Aggies lost to LSU 23-17. And just up I-35 in Dallas, the Cowboys fell to the Eagles 33-10.
Knowing that coaches Strong and Sumlin don’t have anything more to say to describe their fair-to-middlin’ seasons, we decided to fake-interview Cowboys owner Jerry Jones about the current state of football in Texas.
Press: How disappointing was your Thanksgiving?
Jerry Jones: This is bad a Turkey Day as I’ve ever seen for Texas football. My Cowboys looked just as bad as your Longhorns out there, and I darn near lost my appetite. Got to say I’m proud of them boys from TCU, though. North Texas hasn’t been winning much of anything since Barry Switzer was gettin’ his Cowboys paychecks cashed at Spec’s.
Press: Why do you think Texas’ offense struggled?
Jones: I was real disappointed in Johnathan Gray’s performance runnin’ the dang ball. If there’s one thing that I’m intimately familiar with it’s abandoning the run too early. Matter fact, I gotta take Oklahoma State’s side in their lawsuit against Joe Wickline because that was clearly Bill Callahan callin’ plays.
Press: What are you hoping to see out of the Longhorns in their bowl game?
Jones: Hell, I’d be tickled if they’d play Arkansas in my stadium. I used to play ball for the Razorbacks in college, and I reckon I might be able to step in at tackle right now for the Horns. We’ve got a great little tradition going here in Arlington of playing exactly .500 football, so the good lord knows that the 6-6 Longhorns and 6-6 Razorbacks would be right at home in AT&T stadium.