Fake Press Conferences Concerning Texas Football: Nov. 10, 2014

Texas had its first win against a ranked opponent this season on Saturday, handily dispatching the visiting West Virginia Mountaineers 33-16. Texas’ ground game got going early with running back Johnathan Gray’s 101 yards and three touchdowns, forcing the Mountaineers to play from behind for most of the afternoon.

The Longhorn defense bent but didn’t break against WVU’s explosive offense. They gave up 448 yards but came up big in key situations by limiting the Mountaineers to three out of seventeen on third down. Texas defensive lineman Cedric Reed had his best game of the season, notching three sacks, twelve tackles, and forcing a fumble on WVU quarterback Clint Trickett.

Texas controlled the game going into halftime with a 24-3 lead and kept WVU at bay for the second half despite a strong 100 yard showing from the Mountaineers running back Dreamius Smith and a 16-catch performance from their star wideout Kevin White.

Knowing that football coaches and players are often extremely guarded about their thoughts in post-game interviews, we’ve decided to improvise a little. Here’s a transcript of what noted Longhorns fan and Oscar winner Matthew McConaughey would have said had he been asked about the game.

Press: Were you surprised with how the Longhorns played Saturday?

McConaugheyI find that if you spend a lot of your life being surprised it’s because you’re just not open to the possibility of incredible things. If you expect this tremendous planet we call Earth to be filled with the opportunity to be amazed, you won’t be disappointed.

Press: Have you noticed a difference in how Texas has performed since you paid them a visit during practice?

McConaughey: Sometimes a young man just needs to see themselves through someone else’s eyes. As an actor I’m fortunate enough to have the opportunity to use my eyes as a mirror, and sometimes that can help people reflect on themselves. Also I was high as fuck and don’t really recall what I told them. [Grins] Don’t mean it didn’t work, though.

Press: What would you say was the key to defeating the 23rd-ranked Mountaineers?

McConaughey: West Virginia embodies the “you are what you are” mantra. Texas believes in the power of universal potential where “you can be what you can be.” Except for when Charlie left a couple timeouts on the board at the end of the first half. That wasn’t cool, Charlie.

Press: How do you like UT’s chances going into Stillwater next week?

McConaughey: No such thing as chance, man. If you’re dancing with lady luck, keep your ears open. She’ll tell you when its time to tuck a couple greenbacks in her g-string. You dig?

Press: Yeah, we dig. Thanks Matt.

McConaughey: Alright, fellas.