The Football Prophecies

Week five forecast

The Football Prophecies

The Football Prophecies foretell the outcomes of each week’s slate of NFL games. Pigskin prophet, Russ Espinoza, acquired his clairvoyance at age 9 when he was conked on the head by an errant John Elway pass at Mile High Stadium in 1992.

He’s marveled friends and relations and played Vegas like a cheap fiddle with his otherworldly football foresight ever since.

The prophet is pleased to share his gift with The Austin Chronicle.

Philadelphia at Pittsburgh: In the Keystone State Kerfuffle, Philadelphia mayor Michael A. Nutter and Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl forge a behind-the-scenes wager on Sunday’s game: whereby Nutter gambles 20 of his city’s most decorated crackheads and Ravenstahl antes four of Ben Roethlisberger’s nine chins.

Prophecy: Pittsburgh

Green Bay at Indianapolis: A series of bizarre technical snafus under the instant replay hood at Lucas Oil Field leaves crew chief Ed Hochuli unable to inspect a challenged Green Bay interception.

Hochuli perplexes both sidelines and all 62,421 fans by issuing pronouncements nonetheless: “After review, there had to have been a second shooter on the grassy knoll; they’re real and they’re spectacular; and Ross and Rachel were on a break. Indianapolis will be charged with their final timeout.”

Prophecy: Green Bay

Cleveland at New York Giants: Returning to the bench after a hard-fought goal-line stand against the Browns’ offense, an NFL Films cameraman catches Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora howling to himself, “Whoo! It’s been a hard day’s night, boy! And I’ve been workin’ like an Osi!”

Prophecy: New York Giants

Atlanta at Washington: A slippery Corgi donning a polka-dot bowtie will dart across the FedEx Field grounds, causing 26 Falcons and 29 Washington Redskins to SQUEE! their pants.

Prophecy: Washington

Miami at Cincinnati: Bengals wide-receiver A.J. Green sets a dangerous precedent for end-zone celebrations by diving headlong into a pre-arranged shark tank of Skyline Chili.

Prophecy: Cincinnati

Baltimore at Kansas City: Pouncing on a delicious moment to vex the opposition, Arrowhead Stadium deejay Deion Crisp synchs-up Culture Club’s “Karma Chameleon” as the Ravens bolt from the visiting tunnel.

Prophecy: Baltimore

Seattle at Carolina: Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll discovers that Starbucks’ Café Verona blend makes a perfect steroidal masking agent. Strong safety Kam Chancellor develops a two pot a day habit, but is hospitalized after his bowels empty everything – including his upper body up to the shoulders.

Prophecy: Seattle

Chicago at Jacksonville: Bears quarterback Jay Cutler remembers he left his cup back in Chicago 30 minutes before kickoff: Team equipment manager Clark Beatty thinks fast and fashions him a temporary one out of twigs and spit.

Prophecy: Chicago

Denver at New England: With the opening kickoff in flight, Patriots guard Dan Connolly’s blood curdles upon overhearing head coach Bill Belichick’s quavering plea of “Lord Satan, don’t smite me now.”

Prophecy: Denver

Buffalo at San Francisco: Sporting oversized novelty sunglasses and a red and gold 49ers wig, local cut-up Joey Gladstone wriggles away from mortified parties Danny Tanner and Uncle Jesse to storm the field and goose Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Prophecy: San Francisco

Tennessee at Minnesota: Missing the big stage of NFL football, retired Vikings quarterback Brett Favre disguises himself with a fake beard, derby hat, and nose putty, and pretends to wait for a bus on the Minnesota sideline.

Prophecy: Minnesota

San Diego at New Orleans: Saints quarterback and local hero Drew Brees addresses his compatriots in a closed-door pregame speech before Sunday’s home tilt against the Chargers.

“Look fellas, we’re 0-4. I’ve got a deep-thigh bruise; Darren’s nursing six turf toes, and our starting secondary is rocking the most chilling staph infection Tulane Medical Center’s ever seen. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting the hell outta here while I still have a modicum of spinal fluid left.”

Prophecy: San Diego

Houston at New York Jets: Texans backup quarterback T.J. Yates goes sightseeing in Manhattan on Sunday afternoon, visiting the Fox News studios for a behind-the-scenes tour. Yates is flagged by studio security and issued a loaded AK-47 and a copy of The Turner Diaries after failing to trip the lobby’s metal detector.

Prophecy: Houston

Overall Record to Date: 36-28

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Drew Brees, T.J. Yates

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