The Football Prophecies

Stone cold locks for week 4

The Football Prophecies

The Football Prophecies foretell the outcomes of each week’s slate of NFL games. Pigskin prophet Russ Espinoza acquired his clairvoyance at age 9 when he was conked on the head by an errant John Elway pass at Mile High Stadium in 1992.

He’s marveled friends and relations and played Vegas like a cheap fiddle with his otherworldly football foresight ever since.

The prophet is pleased to share his gift with The Austin Chronicle.

New England at Buffalo: Putting an epic classic rock spin on timeworn Bible verse John 3:16, Bills fan Kenneth Stokes brandishes a “Zeppelin 5:19” placard during extra points into the north end zone: referencing the music and date peripheral to necking with Sally Kent atop her father’s Pontiac GTO sophomore year.

Prophecy: Buffalo

San Francisco at New York Jets: Tim Tebow celebrates an early Jets touchdown by anointing teammates in oil, speaking in tongues, and performing bicep curls with a 50-pound crucifix.

Prophecy: San Francisco

Seattle at St. Louis: Upon learning that new Rams towel manager Dale Upshaw was a veteran roadie for Foghat, quarterback Sam Bradford points out which hotties Upshaw’s to pluck from the crowd for some “you know what I’m sayin’” after the game.

Prophecy: Seattle

Carolina at Atlanta: The Falcons will throw an emotional halftime ceremony by honoring the Fulton County Straight Men's Choir.

Prophecy: Atlanta

Minnesota at Detroit: After three weeks without a home game, Detroit’s Ford Field is found overrun with weeds, riddled with structural damage and decay, and habitat to a gang of agitated Manitoban Elk. Lions’ management stages the game anyway, but comes to regret it after a giant sinkhole opens up and drags the south stands straight to hell.

Prophecy: Detroit

San Diego at Kansas City: Chargers quarterback Phillip Rivers gets blasted by three separate bolts of lightning during an abortive draw; backup Charlie Whitehurst enters in relief while a blackened Rivers is left to smoke on a cooling board.

Prophecy: Kansas City

Tennessee at Houston: Playing the worst game of his life, Texans receiver Andre Johnson goes without a reception until late in the fourth quarter. The All-Pro finishes with 12 dropped passes, two paralyzing waves of apoplexy, and a scorching bladder infection.

Prophecy: Houston

Cincinnati at Jacksonville: Crunch time literally ensues when 18,907 Jaguar fans coincidentally gnash into their nacho chips in unison: thereby setting off a sonic boom of flavor that reduces the profusion of meth labs, alligator farms, and gun ranges around EverBank Field to rubble.

Prophecy: Cincinnati

Oakland at Denver: Deceased Raiders owner Al Davis stews in silence over Heaven’s dearth of quality gameday snacks. Plus, he’s forced to watch Sunday’s Raiders/Broncos contest on a '78 Westinghouse; which he pelts with ribbon candy and yams whenever Oakland goes offside.

Later, Davis will be written-up by God for blurting out, “Who do I gotta blow to get a Tombstone pizza around here.”

Prophecy: Denver

Miami at Arizona: Sensing to be called upon for a long field goal attempt, Cardinals’ kicker Jay Feely carves an oval portal into his kicking leg with a paring knife and heroically deposits a 5-Hour Energy.

Prophecy: Arizona

Washington at Tampa Bay: After helping force a Tampa Bay punt at midfield, Redskins’ cornerback DeAngelo Hall confides to teammate London Fletcher, “I think I might have my cup on backward.”

Prophecy: Tampa Bay

New Orleans at Green Bay: Suspended Saints coach Sean Payton gives a candid home interview to Mike Triplett of the Times-Picayune. Triplett finds Payton drowning in a remarkable state of listlessness and ill-health: the coach reports symptoms concurrent with hay fever and wears his gruesome bathrobe slunk over one shoulder, displaying what Triplett surmises is an infected right nipple somehow.

Asked what he misses about the game, Payton remarks: “To be blunt, Mike: I miss drinking blood in the locker room with my guys after a big win. You can’t ever replace that.”

Prophecy: Green Bay

New York Giants at Philadelphia: A consensus of Giant wives and girlfriends will term it a “nice visit” to Philadelphia after only 14 have a drunken Eagles fan manhandle them and puke down their blouse.

Prophecy: Philadelphia

Chicago at Dallas: A Cowboy Stadium patron claiming to be God singles out “disciple” Bill Newton, 39, of Plano: Decreeing that Newton – heretofore a perfect stranger, now locked in the crosshairs of a madman – make pilgrimage to yon nacho cart and pile high the jalapenos like the Tower of Babel, lest he be not faithful.

Prophecy: Dallas

Overall Record to Date: 27-22.

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KEYWORDS FOR THIS POST

Tim Tebow, Andre Johnson, Foghat, Led Zeppelin, Sam Bradford, Sean Payton

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